Fa la la la -----whatever

Well, we survived another holiday season! Now, we just have to make it past the 2009 finish line!

Unfortunately, it seems that the crazy shopping madness and traffic troubles didn't just stop with Christmas!

Apparently, everyone in the free world saved up all their vacation until the last of the year... I assume to piss me off!

OK... So, Sunday after Christmas I had to go to the store.

I put it off as long as I could... but I was down to the last of my instant rice and ranch dressing... So I actually HAD to go buy groceries.

I live 1.4 miles exactly from Wal-Mart.... so I thought SURELY I can handle this.

As I was about to turn onto the highway I was met by a slew of those lovely drivers who are driving 50mph until they get near your intersection and see that you have a narrow window of opportunity to get onto the highway.... then they slow it way down!

After they passed I was able to get onto the highway... but the onslaught of idiot drivers made it impossible for me to catch up with the drivers who willfully made it harder for me to get on the road... I wasn't going to flip them off or anything... I mean it IS still the holiday season... but if I could make it difficult for them to make a turn or get into the outside lane... then we'd be even, ya know? I mean... I would just be fulfilling the other half of "do unto others".

Anyway... I finally make it to the Wal Mart Parking lot.

May I just ask, what the HELL are people thinking when they cut across the lot to get the perfect spot?

I mean... do they really think those yellow lines and arrows only apply to OTHER people but not them?

MORE than once I have been driving along, following the directions PAINTED on the lot only to be cut off by some large woman, with bangs circa 1987.... two bumper stickers- one that says "follow me to -insert church name here-" and the other that says "Housework doesn't suck...if it did men would like it".

I think I'm just becoming such a jaded person in my old(er) age... because I don't even stop when I see them swinging around to cut in front of me.... I CONTINUE WITH MY RIGHT OF WAY!

And even though, according to any drivers education book ever printed I am in the right... I end up getting the hateful look/finger point?!?!?

So I find a spot.... drive over the empty cans and used diapers! By the way... WHY do some people do that? There is nothing more vile than to step out of the car and step on or near a discarded dirty diaper! If you see someone dump a diaper in a public lot... take a picture of them /their car... As God as my witness I am going to start a photo site where we will expose these nasty inconsiderate parents....

Finally, I get into the store.... feces free and with a portion of my patience hanging by a single strand of hope..

I'm trying to rush to get what I need, and I get stuck behind a man on one of those motorized carts! The ONLY thing that kept my rage in check is knowing that this man... this poor soul... has clearly had it worse than me.... I mean... I have the freedom to walk the aisles... while he... through some cruel test of fate is resigned to this scooter... unable to reach items on the top shelf... WHAT THE HELL?????? That's when he STOOD UP... Grabbed his item.... and then stretched his back!!!! As if this "road trip through Wal Mart" was just too much for his back... He needed to take a break from sitting! I FELT CHEATED!

Once I got around him, I was met on every aisle by people who were apparently using each aisle as a venue for their family reunions!!!! And then when you look at them and muster up every ounce of politeness left in depths of your soul and say "excuse me, please" with a SMILE no less... and you get that "huff/jagged cart move"!

When that happens, it is ALL I can do to not go peel off one of those security tags in electronics and somehow attach it to them where it's not visible... so Mabel at the front door will make them walk through the metal detectors 57 times just to figure out what wasn't scanned!

Finally, I make it all the way up to the checkouts... only to end up in a lane where the meanest woman ever created it berating the checker for not being able to scan her coupons.... only to later find out that 3 of the coupons were for items the lady didn't buy and 4 of them were EXPIRED!

I get through with no major problems... only to find a cart lodged against my door.

I push it to the Cart Corral (Yes people... that's where they go) , Get in my car and FLOOR it out of there!

About halfway home I'm coming down from my stress induced rage... when it hits me.... I forgot bread!

My sojourn o'er the river crotchety

I think it's finally happened!

I have crossed a major milestone in my life!

I have waded across the river crotchety and come out the other side soaking wet!

It happened so quietly! One day I was smiling as I passed over the Fox News Channel... the next, I was ready to call those bastards and give them a piece of my mind!

But seriously folks.... I'm not sure if it's my age, my poor diet and sleeping habits... or if I've finally realized that just ignoring stupid people will NOT make them go away.

let me start by saying that I didn't just slowly wade into crocthetyism.... I ran in splashing! It's a messy process that seems to splatter my disdain equally across a number of topics!

Like... What happened to the "R" in "frustrated?"

Seriously... I have recently noticed a decline in the proper pronunciation of this word! Was there a meeting that I missed where pop culture announced that henceforth we will all be "fusstrated" at traffic?

Was this mentioned on a chain e-mail that I deleted without reading, thereby guaranteeing myself bad luck and preventing something "amazing" from happening for me and the 12 people I sent it to?

Apparently, that same e-mail must have also referenced the "T" in words such as "curtain".

You see, I have recently adopted a new guilty pleasure known as "Let's make a deal".

I believe most of us know the premise of this show... you get a gift, you can trade it for a box or a curtain.... and like life... sometimes it's a good trade, sometimes it's a giant pile of potato peelings.

While watching this GEM of American Heritage... I have seen, or rather heard, several people say they would like the (and I must spell it phonetically) "CUR uhn".

Is this some sort of a trend? Did someone do this once and others told them "that's so cute"? Because, I assure you... it is not. It's quite upseh-un actually.

Yes, I hear you as you are reading this...."what's his deal? Why is he worried about this and not the war in Afghanistan?" To you I say, "Of COURSE those topics matter to me... but if you're going to belittle me, get your own damned blog".... Respectfully, of course.

My point is, and I actually do have one, that we have become a society that is so afraid of offending someone else that we don't speak up when they sound stupid!

Like tonight... I saw a group of women, I assume they were all members of the "Betty Baptist's Prayer Hair Care" group.

They were on the news talking about camping out all night at Sam's Wholesale in Fayetteville, Arkansas to be the first people in line to see Sarah Palin.

Apparently, they were afraid that since they all looked alike... that Her Highness, Sarah Palin, might assume she'd already SIGNED their book and "go rogue" refusing to validate their reasons for living and refuse to sign their book.

See, THESE ladies were proud to say they were there for Palin because she "represented Christian family values". By the way, I'm gathering that the way you do that these days is to write some sort of tell all book and then leave your kids at home while you tour the country selling your wares to every housewife who feels empowered by seeing you tote a gun.... I"M GUESSING... Not saying that's fact.

But my issue is that THESE ladies stood up and were willing to say whatever they felt... becuase it is a popularly accepted statement! I mean, who ISN'T for family values? Yes, certainly that is a topic that is up for interpretation. But none the less, we all hold true to some form of values.

So why shouldn't WE stand up for our beliefs?

Is it truly so wrong of me to say that I think pets are better than children? I'm not saying that's how is HAS to be for EVERYONE... I'm merely stating that for ME, I would rather vacuum pet hair up every day than actually to have to deal with a child that quite frankly would just break all my nice stuff and grow up to blame me for everything! I've SEEN "Intervention"!

Should I feel ashamed to say that I believe pastors of super-churches who live in homes few members of their congregation could afford... or drive cars that few people could afford are frauds and will have to answer to God when asked "Could you have spent less on your lifestyle and maybe given a bit more to help others?"

Will I honestly be Chastised if I stand at the "Speedy Checkout" at Wal-mart and make sure people actually have 20 items or less? And if they have more, maybe just start picking random items out of their cart and throwing them on the ground? Maybe just repeating "Gotta be 20 items or less, ma'am!"

I guess what it all boils down to is..... I am apparently in the metamorphosis stage.

I started as a young man, filled with hopes and dreams.... wrapped myself in a cocoon of reality and came out as a budding old codger with wings to fly but nowhere worth landing!

So instead of taking flight, I sit at my desk and write about all the piddly things in this world that just aren't up to par!

Then, I remember.... We truly are all in control of our own destiny.

We are only held captive by the decisions of others when we as strong willed individuals refuse to speak up! Make some noise!

I mean... If I failed to bring these issues to light, my nephew and niece would grow up in a world where people are "fusstrated with their cur-uhns"

Really? REALLY!?!?!

This evening, the music loving world fell victim to an attack!

An Audio/Visual act of terrorism!

Seriously Adam Lambert.... Millions of us sat through your weekly abominations and fully expected you to win American Idol... Not because you're the best.... but because the producers thought you were marketable...

Lets examine that using tonight's debacle as a test subject.

I know the AI producers thought you would appeal to young girls and women 18-49.... but was it THEIR heads you were rubbing in your crotch as you "GRINDED" across the stage?

That poor, poor back up dancer! Bless his heart! At least it looked like he was wearing a mask of some sort to protect him from the horror that is Adam Lambert's Hoo Hah!

I understand that in SOME parts of the country, that whole fiasco was "blacked out"... obviously because the AI producers KNEW that type of activity would be damaging to your tough guy ima ha ha ha ha sorry... I just couldn't say it!

But in Arkansas... all that was blocked was the Audio part... so while we were spared the "mothra like" screams emanating from your mouth, Adam... We still saw you sexually assault that poor boy on TV. That is an image that cannot be unseen, God help me.

I read on the Rolling Stone page that Adam was going for an "in your face, push your buttons" kind of performance.... well... as we saw... he was in SOMEONES face!

Ya know... here's my beef with Adam Lambert and his ilk.

At a pivotal moment for equal rights for all people, he has deemed himself... well... the "queen" of the movement.

The problem is, He's nasty.... He is presenting himself as a representative of the "gay community" and when people start talking about whether gays should have equal rights... they're going to remember tonight's performance.

I figure it will go something like this.

Brenda: Betty, I read in the paper that them gays is trying to get special rights!

Betty: I seen that too... You know they're just doing that so they can recruit! I seen the whole thing on Fox News!

Brenda: You know, I ain't never thought about how them boys is... and what they do... but just the other night I flipped over to watch the NEWS.... At first I was excited because I thought I seen Liza Minnelli on there and the way she was moving I thought Praise Jesus, her hip's better... Then, my little granddaughter told me that was a BOY!

Betty:Lands sakes

Brenda: Luckily I was able to find his name on the church boycott site... I think his name's Adam something....

Betty: Oh I know who you're talking about... Adam.... but there ain't no EVE!

Brenda: OHHH Ho ho ho ho ho Betty, you're TERRIBLE! Ohhh Ho Ho ho ("rich" lady laugh)

Betty: All I know is I heard he was practically fornicating on that TV program... That's how they are, Brenda... Hollywood is FULL of 'em

(and Scene)

My whole belief is that everyone has the right to be who they are... but I also believe that right comes with a teensy bit of responsibility!

Does is hurt any of us to observe a general standard of decency and decorum? Do any of us really NEED to know what someone does in the privacy of their own home? (you know aside from murderers and pervs... I mean... we kind of DO need to keep an eye on those people)

It's just like when you see some crazy white supremacist freak from Arkansas making national news... and then you get calls from friends from all across the country asking "Did you know him"

Gee... ummm... is THAT what you think of me? One white guy from Arkansas speaks out on the national stage and now that's how we ALL are?

Sometimes... personally... I feel it's good to live your life like the whole world's looking! Whether we like it or not, we are ALL representatives for our race, sex, beliefs, orientation... etc.

Our individual actions today WILL have an affect on those who follow us!

I think "time out" needs it's ass busted!

Over the past few weeks, it seems the world has lost it's damn mind!

Shootings at military bases and high rises... People hiding a 7 month old child IN A BOX under a bed for 12 hours to keep police from finding it... and just this morning I read a story about an 18 year old who beat a 64 year old NUN to death after robbing her!

I've given this a lot of thought and I think it's time to re-evaluate.

Sometime in the 70's or 80's ... Some child psychologist who was apparently coming off a reefer binge decided that punishing kids the "old fashioned" way was damaging to the growth of their individual personalities...

So they suggested... and we all apparently agreed.... that "time out" was the way to go.

OK... let's just think about this and put it into context...

If a child gets in trouble... they're told to go sit quietly alone in a corner and think about what they did! Am I the only person who thinks that sounds just a TEENSY bit like an ingredient in the "recipe of a serial killer"?

I mean... all the kid is thinking about it where they went wrong? What they could do DIFFERENTLY next time to avoid getting caught!

And even if that's not what the burgeoning psychopaths are thinking... Can we all agree that this type of psychological punishment... the "removing" of the child from all activities while the family happily continues their day... is perhaps less effective and more damaging than a quick swat?!?!

All I know is when I was a kid... I knew that if I did something "bad"... I was going to get my ass busted!

Or even worse... My Nanny used to make us go pick a switch off the tree!!!! Of COURSE I always picked a small, brittle one... but before it was used to exact my punishment... Nanny would put it through a battery of tests... and if it didn't pass... she went and got the grand daddy of ALL switches!

Yes, I lived in constant fear... but you know what? I actually LEARNED that my actions had an expected (and painful) REaction!

I'm not sure how well it worked... but I've not gone on a massive shooting rampage... or killed any nuns! (knock on wood)

Aside from that... I think it's AMAZING how we all seem shocked when certain kids do terrible things!

While bible based lawmakers fight to "preserve the family" in the eyes of the law... they're doing NOTHING To preserve it in real life!

And while "Child Protective Services" is raking in state and federal funding... they're failing the children in their care on some of the most BASIC services!

I have a friend whose child is "in the system"

This child has been in one of the shelter's for "troubled kids"... where the child was attacked by another kid staying there... and was even taunted to "walk on out the front door" by the alleged caretakers!

When the child was taken to the hospital after the attack... the parents were notified "you need to go to the hospital to get your kid"

After that, the child was placed in a mental health facility for kids... and was once again was hit by a couple other kids!

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

This kids was placed in the system because the child got in trouble repeatedly for being disrespectful... But you know what? The kid was never INJURED while in the parent's care!?!?!?

The whole system is so incredibly flawed that I'm not sure HOW it can be fixed!?!?!

But rather than actually take a look at this state run system... our lawmakers... the ones charged with representing ALL of us... are fighting to tax cigarettes more... arguing against the lottery... and preventing "unmarried couples" from adopting or serving as foster parents!

Granted... I personally don't want children... But if I did, I certainly wouldn't think it should be up to a group of haggardly fat old lawmakers with wives who wear WAY too much makeup and children they never see to tell ME that I'M not fit!

And on that note, when Arkansas passed the law preventing unmarried people from serving as foster parents... did it also include legislation REQUIRING married people to step in and foster kids? No... it did not...

So in ONE great swipe, the "Billy and Betty Baptists" and the "Ed and Evangeline Evangelicals" LEGISLATED their OWN moral religious beliefs... while thousands of kids were prevented from having a safe foster home, rather than a crowded poorly run state facility!

I ask you... in THAT situation... What WOULD Jesus do?

Wow... what a good nap!

Yeah, ok... so I was out of the blogging loop for a while.

I unhooked my computer... and really got used to using my iPod/iPhone for pretty much everything... but I was NOT about to type out one of my crazy blogs on those things! The "Spell Complete" alone would have driven me crazy!

Sometimes... I'm typing an actual word that I KNOW exists... and it pops in with another suggestion!?!?!? I'm like "seriously? is this a SMART PHONE??? If it's so smart, how come it doesn't understand 'Ha Ha'???? I mean WHY would it think I was trying to say Hat Hat?"

And have you noticed how sometimes you'll type "Hell" and it automatically changes it to "He'll"? What the he'll is up with that?

Anyway... where to begin.

Previously on "inside the mind of Anthony"... I'm sure I was on some tirade about American Idol... the cost of gas and Wal-Mart... Yeah.. that's pretty much me in a nutshell.

I WILL tell you a quick little story that taught me a lesson about ALWAYS being nice to people... no matter how difficult...

OK... so a couple weeks ago, Glen and I went to K-Mart to check out their "going out of business sale". (Which, by the way, is a TOTAL joke! I mean... if THOSE prices are 40%-50% off... I think I know why they're going out of business)

Anyway... It was the day before our big garage sale... I and I was hoping to snag one of those clothes racks.

So we go into the store... and all the racks are lined along the back wall... none of them are priced.

I found the ONE lady who looked like she worked there... and by that I mean she was a skinny "leathery tanned" woman with smoker's hack and an apparent eating disorder.

So I asked her "are the clothes racks for sale?"

She said "Yes"

"How much are they" I asked.

She proceeded to walk over to the service desk to pick up a notebook and then told me "We don't know how much they are yet... anyone who wants one can leave their information and we'll call them"

EXCUSE ME? Isn't this store going out of business? Haven't all the ads said "Everything must go?" I mean... the way they're promoting this sale I half expected to be able to walk in and say "Yes, I want this 10 foot section of the floor... 4 of those ceiling tiles.... OOOOHH How much for the fish eye security mirror?"

But NO! They're running up the cost of the fixtures, based on how many people WANT them!

So I will admit... I totally got snotty with her and said something like "I have money right now, right here... if you all were SERIOUS about selling them then I'd load one up right now... but with THAT procedure.... y'all can just work around them until you lock the doors for the last time!"

I huffed off and found Glen and said "Let's Go!", Confident in the fact I had truly just told them off and I was in the right!

We left K-mart and went to Target... a Furniture Store... we pretty much ran all over creation.

then.... when we got home... I went into the bathroom to wash my hands.... I looked at myself in the mirror... Why can I read the print on my shirt so well in the mirror?

That's right.... I had made an ASS of myself wearing my shirt WRONG SIDE OUT!!!!

I can only take solace in the fact that MAYBE those people noticed my shirt... and just thought I was crazy.

note to self... if you're hopping on a high horse... give a quick look in the mirror!

The smell of change?

As the world ponders such issues from Health care reform... to fears over a possible H1N1 outbreak... one issue has fallen by the wayside!

I am here to shine a blazing light on a growing problem that I feel all to many people are ignoring! And by IGNORING it... it's only going to get worse!

That problem, of course, is''' What ever happened to soap that actually smells like soap?"

Seriously! I think this whole modernization of the hand soap industry has gone too far!

The other day, I was washing my hands in the bathroom and caught a whiff of a sweet, sugary, vanilla smell.

That's just wrong!

I understand that some people LOVE that scent... but it is NOT a scent I want to smell in the bathroom!

Something about mixing food smells with... well... OTHER smells in that room is just gross!

While THAT is the top example of this growing issue... I have to say it's not the only issue.

I mean... even OTHER scents are inappropriate for various reasons...

I mean... I personally don't want my hands to smell like I just picked a bushel of blackberries! As if there's some blue floral bonnet filled with berries that I picked with the Ingalls girls while "pa" caught dinner in the "crick".

Besides... for those people who LOVE food scented soaps... what is the first thing you do when you wash your hands? You hold them up to your nose... inhale deeply... and say "mmmmmmm I just LOVE that smell!".... the problem with that? You just put your clean hands up to your dirty nose which clearly you did not wash!!!!

What is the FIRST rule Doctors say about preventing Flu and sickness? DON'T be touching your face!

Maybe I'm way off in left field here... but I choose to prevent the spread of germs ANY way possible!

That is why I NEVER eat birthday cake unless I can easily peel off the protective coating of icing!

PLEASE people?!?!? I don't care who you are or how cute your child is... I am NOT eating something that you... or your child just blew across!!!! I may as well just lick your nose!

Critter Wars!

When I moved to my home in Van Buren, Arkansas... I encountered a bug that I had never seen before.

I've since found out these scary little bugs are known as "House Centipedes".

This first time I ever saw one, I had just moved in and was sitting on the newly carpeted floor, watching TV.

As you might have guessed from all those legs... these little boogers can HAUL! By the time you've seen something out of the corner of your eye.... They are ON you!

Now, I am not really afraid of spiders or most bugs... My only REAL "bug fear" is the Scorpion!

My brother Charles used his knowledge of this fear to scare me mercilessly.... Sometimes meticulously cutting a scorpion image out of a magazine and placing it along my base board... or on my bed... He even bought me one of those Oklahoma Paper weights that has a scorpion inside it... yeah, it was greeeeeaaaaaaaat.

So with my prior knowledge of the way scorpions look when they quickly trek across your carpet... I nearly went into a fear induced seizure when a house centipede darted across the floor and onto me!

Most people who know me, know that I really hate to kill anything... I will usually catch the critter and set it free outside. That's not a Buddhist belief... I think it'd more for all the times My cousin Sandy and I would catch things... and our uncle Billy would begin telling us about that creatures family... how they would be wondering what happened to it... maybe even holding search parties or hanging tiny little signs. Needless to say, the Scorpion in my one exception.

One night I killed one of these bugs as they darted across the floor... really just so I could make sure it WASN'T a scorpion... if it HAD been... I was ready to pack up and move again!

When I lifted the shoe I used to kill this thing... I was confused. I mean... what WAS this thing? It looked like false eye-lashes had fallen to the floor and took off running really really fast.

Then, I started worrying that I might have killed some endangered bug... I mean... If I, being a person of country/hill people heritage had never seen one... it MUST be rare!

After a long talk with a friend at the Extension Office and countless hours of web searches... the bug was identified.

Turns out, these creepy little bugs are actually GOOD to have around. They eat spiders and other bugs.

I've since tried to just let them be... it's kind of hard... because some of these things have been more than 3 inches long !

We've sprayed many times... but it doesn't seem to have a huge affect on them.

I'm cool with them, for the most part, but there is nothing that will shake you awake like seeing the light from the alarm clock cascading off a bug darting up your wall!

ewwwwwwwwwwww! Heeeeebie Jeeeeeebies!