Inside the mind of Anthony

Too young to croak: a tadpole's story

2011-05-29T09:22:00.004-05:00

Happy Memorial Day weekend all!

Let me start by saying... I'm Back!!!

I took a break from the blog while we were working on a podcast, internet radio show... but I'm very happy to be back behind the keyboard!

Let me assure you, there have been months and months of strange happenings... odd events... and I have truly missed telling the world about them.

But SINCE it's the "official start to summer" I'm going to start with something timely... our pool.

Our pool is an above ground pool that is entirely surrounded by a deck... you know... to "class it up".

Last year, after a 10 hour HGTV marathon, Glen and I talked about tearing the deck, ripping out the pool and creating a Jamie Durie inspired "outdoor room"

Now, that decision was made as we peered out the window at our weathered pool with it's earth tone water.... as snow piled up on the deck.

We started pricing our supplies to build our outdoor oasis... and quickly learned that it would almost be cheaper for us to just enclose our back yard and attach it to the house!!!!

WHAT ARE THOSE HOME STORES THINKING?!?!?

Have you PRICED deck materials since the world went "GREEN"? RIDICULOUS!!!!

I think we figured out that if we wanted to rebuild the deck we have NOW with that fancy shmancy "enviro wood" stuff... it would have cost us in excess of 20-thousand dollars!!!! FOR A DECK!!!!

CLEARLY we put that plan on hold... and as each day brought warmer and warmer temperatures... we caved... "Maybe we can just keep it ONE MORE year!?!?!"

Now THAT decision was made just about a month ago... and since we were planning on getting rid of it, we really didn't so ANYTHING to prepare it for the winter/spring months.

Ahhhhhh spring... with it's warm days... crisp nights... the beautiful songs of the tree frogs... OH LOOK! There's another frog!!! OH... and THERE TOO!!!! They're so lovely!!! Oh... there's a couple more... and THERE'S LIKE 5 OF THEM OVER THERE!!! GET IN THE HOUSE!!! GET IN THE HOUSE!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!

And with that, the plague began.

Each night, our back yard/pool area became a hotspot for lurid tree frog activity!

I sort of likened it to "Spring" being "the 1970's" and our pool being "studio 51".

I KNEW what was happening out there... but like the 1970s New York City Police... I ignored it! I IGNORED IT!

So .. the day came that Glen and I had to go out there an just see what we were up against... This was maybe 3 weeks ago.

"WOW! Look at those cute little tadpoles!!! I see one... two...three, four, five... GLEN, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"

This was not an issue for Glen, he was ready to just pour bleach in there and kill them all... but I had JUST returned from listening to the Dalai Lama lecturing on living a peaceful life... so I was a bit torn. Plus... I mean... Tadpoles are cool, let's all agree on that.

As Glen is readying his forces... making a plan for the Tadpocalypse... I... Perhaps moved by the Dalai Lama's teachings... or the fact that it was May 21st, the alleged day of the end of the world... felt the need to SAVE as many as I could.

I found some old flower pots and filled them with water from that pool... and I fished out... probably THOUSANDS of tadpoles from that pool that would have meant certain doom.

As I was carrying that 4th flowerpot FULL of tadpoles to their new safe home UNDER the deck... I smelled something VILE! I did the usual sniff pattern... shirt, pits, hands.. I even checked my shoes... that's when I realized it was the WATER!

That water was WRITHING with TadPoop!!!!!! It's was TERRIBLE! And I was SAVING it so those horrible... ugly little frog bastards could LIVE?!?!?!

My good will was at a cross roads! Do I KEEP interacting with that water and become Arkansas' first cholera patient ever? Or do I stop the relocation process and be THANKFUL I saved... like 9 or 10 thousand of them?

As I gazed into the pea green depths of that pool and reflected on my options... I saw the tiniest little tadpole! He must have only recently hatched... As he swam with all his might up to the surface to gaze outward on the world that one day he would WALK in... I was touched.

I leaned down... peered closer to that little tadpole and as I reached toward him... to lift him to safety.... then... one of his older brothers or sisters swam up and BIT HIM!!!! REPEATEDLY!?!?!?!?!? I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WOULD DO THAT?!?!?!

Thankfully, after witnessing that attempted murder... I realized that it was time to CLEANSE the tadpole population.

Turns out... 5 bags of "Shock" cleansed it nicely!

POOL'S OPEN!

Want a better America? Then DO something about it!

2010-11-21T08:41:00.003-06:00

almost daily I get e-mails from people spouting off something about how Obama isn't an American.. or Palin is a snake handler.

I've often wondered... what are these people on the left or right of? I'v recently decided... they're on the left and right side of life's path holding giant signs and screaming craziness while the rest of us are just staying ON the path so we can get to work!

Here's our problem... We all GAVE them power! We played along as they put themselves in places of power at OUR expense! All the while, we're complaining about how things aren't getting any better and we want government to stay OUT of our lives.

Do we really?

We have become a generation of people who can't LIVE without the help of the government!

I mean... we all agree that senior citizens should receive special treatment... but are any of us willing to step in and actually HELP a senior citizen? Would any of the people who keep telling me "the Dancing with the stars producers are working to make sure Bristol Palin wins" actually go to nursing home and spend a couple hours a week visiting those people who society has forgotten?

What has happened to us?

I remember a time when people HELPED one another!

There was no real need for food stamps... because almost everyone had a garden and people SHARED! If someone had fallen on hard times... they didn't have to go to some agency filled with hateful, judgemental government workers who made sure the person got just enough help to TRAP them in a vicious cycle, securing their own jobs!

In those times, the world news came on once a day... and the anchor man (it was always a man) kept his political views to himself... because he knew no one really had time to CARE what he thought... he was lucky to HAVE viewers who could spare 30 minutes to listen to him!

Our parents parents were a busy, self sufficient generation... a generation that survived countless challenges... but kept fighting for THEIR american dream.

My grandparents actually were the ones who taught me to care for my neighbor... To give my time freely to those who needed a helping hand KNOWING that I could expect the same when *I * needed it.... And they taught me to take care of everything and everyone in my life rather than just tossing it all out for something new.

So, after you've sat in front of your television and allowed your head and heart to be filled with someone else's views and agendas.... As you sit there, wallowing in your anger that a candidate that's not even KIN to you won or didn't win... As you consider forwarding that email about how Obama is actually the devil... or Palin actually used to be a man before becomeing the whore of babylon as mentioned in the bible... think again... and take me off your list.

Quite honestly... I don't want to give of that propeganda my time!

Instead, I WILL step in and volunteer for community based organizations... to help ELIMINATE the NEED for Government ones!

If you want to keep government out of your life... don't give them a reason to come into it!

Insomnia or "taking creative license with sleep"?

2010-10-02T05:07:00.002-05:00

Well, here I am again!

This time, it's kind of my own fault. I fell asleep in the recliner while watching "Mission Impossible".

Too often have those recliners been my demise! I need to replace them with hard, wooden chairs... or maybe a "chair of nails"!?!?

I KNEW I was in trouble when I woke up and thought " I could sure use a drink of water". Let's face it, there's no easy way to get a quick "sup" of water, as my grandma used to call it, while maintaining that delicate balance between "sleep" and "awake".

I mean, if you ever have to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, there's a relative certainty that you can "squint" your way through it... as a rule, you never have to fully break that "sleep seal" on your eyes, right?

But when you have to get a drink, there's a whole extra level of dexterity required.

For me, it starts with that "tight eyed" glance toward Holli's "Bed Pile". I call it a bed pile because somewhere along the way I decided that neither of the beds I bought her were comfortable enough for her. But I wanted her to still have options so I left them BOTH down in her corner.

THEN, there must have been a cold snap or something, because I decided she also needed her "Blankie" in the mix... and apparently she DID because she sleeps under it year round.

See, there's the first problem... Holli is extremely protective and likes to "Kung Fu Projectile" herself toward anything that moves ANYWHERE in the vicinity of "me".

This problem is compounded slightly because she can't see very well WITHOUT a blanket covering her... But if it IS blocking what's left of her vision, all of her other senses are heightened!

So at the moment my foot makes the angle to step firmly on the ground, I have to PRAY that I can stave off the "sounds of aging"... you know... the crackling and popping sounds that one day a doctor is going to tell me " those were the first signs... if only you'd have come in THEN".

If, at any time, you produce a sound that Holli can't reconcile in her head as a "normal sound".. .then you're faced with a charging, snarling, barking pile of comforter! I have to say, THAT sight is NOT for the faint of heart! It's sort of a cross between a charging rhinoceros, and those little people from Phantasm.

Once you make it past Holli, or "level one" as I like call it, you have a very important decision to make.... "do I just go get a drink from the bathroom faucet, or should I go from something in the fridge?

Somewhere along the way, I have been lead to believe that the water that comes out of the bathroom sink isn't as clean as the water that comes out of the kitchen. I'm not sure if there's any truth to that... but it's deeply rooted. I think it must have been something my brother Chuck told me when we were kids just to mess with me... but he never said "just kidding" and I never asked anyone... so now I just assume that somehow the bathroom faucet and the toilet are somehow closely connected...

So, 9 times out of 10 I just go to the kitchen. That ONE time out of 10 is when I'm really tired and I'm relatively sure I'll be able to get back to sleep once I've gotten a drink.

But, as a rule, I generally venture to the kitchen.... or Level two.

Anyone who has been to our house knows we live with the house cordoned off by a series of gates. It's been the easiest way to keep the peace between the animals, giving each of them their own "sleep zone".

Tucker's sleep zone is the living room/Kitchen/Dining area... also known as the areas which are tiled!

So once Tucker uses his sonic hearing to pick up on the sound of me opening the bedroom door, which I THOUGHT was nearly inaudible, I hear him bounce OUT of my recliner and onto the floor. That same recliner does him in too!

As I try to keep Tucker from getting too "jumpy" so as to avoid Holli getting "Barky" I step OVER the gate and make it into the kitchen.

This is when Tucker is SURE it must be time to go outside... it must just be REALLY cloudy out... but since "daddy" is awake, it's "pee pee/ poo poo" time.

I try to reason with him... "No, son... it's too early... it's still nigh nigh! go back to seepies... go on!"

Of COURSE he'll have none of it! He gets even MORE excited... turning briefly into a horse and REARING up on his hind legs... getting closer to mustering up a "day time bark".

Meanwhile, back in zone one, Holli is watching the WHOLE THING and I hear the guttural "pre bark" building!

QUICKLY I remember the ONE SINGLE WORD that renders them silent, obedient and loving! "do y'all need a SNACKIE?" I ask.

Peace is restored!

While they're enjoying their snackies, I know that I have to get my drink ready and get back over the gate BEFORE they finish or else I'm trapped!

It's not as easy as it once was now that we've given up sodas!

USED to, I could thrust my hand into the fridge without looking and locate that all too familiar icy cold can of diet coke! Now, it takes a minute...

I have to look around the jugs of filtered water, the cartons of milk or juice, to find that last bottle of sugar free, caffeine free, calorie free, sodium free "flavored" seltzer water.

I grab it and head to level 3... the computer room/ cat's room.

As I step over HER gate, I open my bottle and it makes that carbonated "HISSSSSSS" sound that we ENJOY hearing because it means the drink hasn't gone flat.

The CAT however, wasn't expecting it... so as I open it, I hear knocking about and papers shuffling in the general direction of where she sleeps.

Apparently, the sound that signals my refreshing drink is going to be delicious... is very similar to the sound the "Cat Devil" makes when he's coming to "GIT" them.

As I sit down at the computer, I hear Lovey's faint, scared but thankful "mew" as she comes toward me to make sure it's actually ME ... and once again... not the "Cat Devil" who apparently takes on other shapes. See that's a very common misunderstanding... apparently cats are EXTREMELY religious... but it's one of those odd "The Devil's gonna get you for that" fundamental churches.... It's not the MEAN kind... I mean, I've never seen Lovey picketing... but given some of the "surprises" she has brought into the house... she may be a "snake handler".

Anyway, by now, I've fully accepted that I am not going to get back to sleep... so I sat down and wrote this sad but true tale of how I got to this point this morning!

AND I'VE ONLY BEEN UP FOR AN HOUR!?!?!?

political e-VENTing

2010-09-02T18:59:00.006-05:00

Am I suffering from a concussion?

I feel like I recently saw a guy who is paid to bring in ratings for a national "news" channel actually hosting a mass sermon?

What is going on?

Look, I have no problems with people voicing their proclaimed faith... but lets face it, this was a blatant use of faith for political gain.

It's the equivalent of cigarettes coming in a pack that has a bible verse on it... Addictive poison, wrapped in faith.

For a long time, I didn't really address this whole increase in Glen Beckism.... I thought, like yoga, it would pass once people realized it's just too much of a stretch.

But... alas, it seems it's here to stay.

Let me say, I think it's great we live in a country where Glen Beck can say whatever he wants about whoever he wants... but, I think it's terrible we live in a country where he is speaking the obvious as if he INVENTED it... and people are too stupid to realize it.

I mean, at the core, his alleged message is for people to be self reliant and to pray to the god of their choice.... These are good things right? But do we really need anyone to TELL us this?

And lets face it, he wasn't talking about ALL faiths... I mean, this was just for TV, right? And it really HAD to be a bit more "middle of the road" since it was held at a national landmark.

This IS the same guy who coined the "obamanation", right? He IS the same one who continues to claim Obama is Muslim, right? Yet we are to assume he also wants his islamic followers (if any) to pray to Allah?

Most educated people can SEE this... but it's not the educated I'm worried about.

One quick search of Youtube provides a multitude of unedited interviews with some of the people who attended the rally... and ... well... they're a special bunch.

Some of them blame Obama for taking prayer out of public events... some of them claim, Obama is letting the foreigners come take our jobs... REALLY?

As I see it, these people are pissed that the country isn't what it once was... they're mad because more and more jobs are being eliminated and no new ones are coming in.

For this, they want someone to blame! So rather than blame Congress, the governing body ultimately responsible for any law or policy in the country, they blame the President.

And why do they do this? Because they lack basic education in the way our country works! And rather than take time to understand it... they ACCEPT any viewpoint that it spoon fed to them... especially when offered by a charasmatic media figure or a tiara wearing "politician".

So instead of working hard and going to college and fighting for the american dream... it's easier to sit in a lawn chair at a rally, puffing a cigarette and complaining that all the foreignors have the good jobs.

Ya know what? There may actually be some truth to that.

Because while many americans sit back waiting for the Government to make their lives better... many of these "foreigners" are coming to America, attending colleges and becoming doctors. All while Americans wait for the Government... or the media to tell them what they should do next.

Meanwhile, the "foreigners" are working and paying taxes which pay for those SAME AMERICANS welfare or food stamps?!?!?

If you think I'm wrong... Just look at any hospital directory!?!? Reading those names is like reading the ingredients of paint! ;-p I can't pronounce ANY of it!

I think we're just at such a dangerous crossroad.

I mean, is it a good idea to put our faith in a charasmatic speaker who has risen from obscurity to lead a political movement aimed at reclaiming the former glory of our fatherland? Let's ask any of the survivors of the Jewish death camps what they think?

People... THINK FOR YOURSELVES! Don't let someone TELL you what you believe!

As I told a friend earlier tonight... the same people SCREAMING to "TAKE AMERICA BACK" are the same ones who gave it away, piece by piece!

OK... and here is where I reuse my joke from earlier... I can do that since I'm 38 now... I also told her I was going to start my own political party... the "Tupperware Party"... so I can put a lid on it! ;-p

Please... please, just don't!

2010-07-13T11:39:00.004-05:00

I have recently come to the conclusion that I may actually be rotten to the core.

I'm finding that with each additional day that I'm alive... something new grates on my nerves.

the latest culprit... whistling!

I totally understand that the first person to ever whistle was likely lauded as the hero of the tribe... and honestly, I can see that it probably came in handy to the cave people who needed to communicate across long distances... or who simply needed it as their sole musical instrument...

but... now, we have cell phones and too many musical instruments to even count!!! In Fact, MANY of them are represented in apps on my phone!

last week, I was walking though Wal-Mart... so you can assume I was already at "World Hatred Level 7" when across the store I heard it! That airy, keyless, uncontrolled mouth warble!

This guy was apparently extremely happy to be walking through Wal Mart!

I tell you, I could hear it across the entire store...

At first, it was just a slight annoyance... but as it continued, I felt the RAGE FILLING MY BODY!

I HAD to track this guy down!

So I began my hunt... slinking though the racks of 5 dollar jeans and t-shirts that attempted to capture the trends of last year....

Then, across the bra section... I caught a glimpse of him...

I QUICKLY ducked so he wouldn't see me... then it occurred to me that I'm a 38 year old man bobbing and weaving in the BRA section!!! So I quickly mad it to the pets section.

All the while, that tuneless... off pitch abomination CONTINUED!

I mean, ever so often I'd hear a tiny section of his puckered performance that sounded a little familiar... "Ohhhh... that's Amazing Grace... wait! No... it's Lady Gaga..."

I just couldn't imagine how someone could be so unaware.... so full of themselves that they must pollute the ears of the world with this wretched harmony.

As I continued my hunt... weaving down aisles and around people who were hogging entire walkways with their apparent FAMILY REUNION going on!!!!

This is when I started thinking about what I would say to this tonal terrorist! Working the whole conversation out in my mind..."What the HELL do you think you're doing!?!?!? If we wanted to HEAR that whistley crap, we'd pop in a Mariah Carey CD!!!""" Yeah, THAT'S what I'll tell him!

Finally, I could tell I was getting closer... "He MUST be heading to the checkout!!!

At that moment, I felt more determined than I EVER HAD.... I wheeled around the Cards aisle and set my sights on him.... at that moment... I finally focussed on more than the pulsating rage that was giving me tunnel vision... The whistler.... was a priest! A PRIEST for God's sake... literally!

I couldn't spew forth my planned script of strong words and snide comments to a PRIEST!?!? I started checking for boils or other signs of plague considering all the INCREDIBLY IRREVERENT thoughts I had about him! I mean, in the old testament, people were smote for less, am I right? Besides, I have pretty much lived with the belief that there is a giant "lightning bolt attracting" target on the top of my head... That's why God made me so tall!!!

At the end of the day, I realized 3 things.

1... as much as I hate to accept it... I am not the supervisor in charge of all things acceptable in the free world.

2... I am not Catholic.

and 3... Never go to Wal-Mart without taking Xanex and my headphones for my iPod!

Southern Musings...

2010-07-02T20:13:00.003-05:00

Have you ever noticed how, in the south, we accept so many strange phrases and improper uses of tense?

I was outside working on the pool when I realized I go Mosquito bit.... see? That's totally acceptable! Even though in the rest of the free world people would likely say they had been bitten by a mosquito.

Or how about those people who have no clue about the anatomy of a southern critter... they just come in and say "I got stung by a mosquito"... WHAT? Silly Yankee...

There are so many things that have become part of our language that just seem odd sometimes...

For years, when people asked me to do something I didn't want to do, I'd say "I'd druther not". DRUTHER? That's not even a word, is it?

These southernisms have permeated even the most sacred chapels of the written word... the news room.

I can remember SEVERAL conversations over the years about words that may or may not exist... One example comes to mind.... "Tump" ... (Can you use it in a sentence) Be careful, you're liable to tump that pot over! (can i have a definition?) to force or cause something to fall over.

See, even without my definition, you totally knew what I was talking about, right? I bet you even pictured the hand motions that go along with the warning that you might tump something over...

And then there are the REAL words that we give a new twist! Who hasn't had to go get some "warshin powders" for an older family member? I mean, without them, how can they rainch out their clothes?

I remember my little pentecostal Nanny had a whole SLEW of words she made her own...

For years I thought the act of quickly bringing something to a boil before chilling it was actually called "Blainching" ... As in ... "to make poke salet, you have to rainch it... blainch it... rainch it again then bawl it... otherwise it's pison"

You know, I joke a lot about my backwoods heritage.. but I love it! I absolutely miss the days of hearing that all too familiar cadence and drawl.

Before the world told me it sounded silly, I thought it sounded warm... wholesome... it meant I was home, with people I love!

I often write about my time in Waldron, Arkansas... I didn't actually "grow up" there. We actually lived in Barling, Arkanasas most of my childhood.

But whenever there was a break from school... a holiday... or just a week when times were tough for my Mom and Dad, we raced to Waldron for our salvation.

Whether my cousin Sandy and I were playing in "Memaw's Branch" (our great grandmother's ditch that occasionally housed a snapping turtle or some wayward silver bellies) or I was walking with my cousin Angie from my Nanny's house out on East 80 to Walmart out on the bypass! (trust me, that was a much longer walk than we expected) All of the memories I have of Waldron are safe ones!

Waldron is where we went when things got rough! It was sort of like base, once you were there... you were safe.

So even now when I'm feeling down... when I'm longing for lost days... I think back to the days of Bethel's Dry Goods and Ben Franklin... and I always smile.

Things that make me want to punch someone in the neck!

2010-06-10T10:43:00.002-05:00

Hello All! yes, it's been a while since I've posted anything... I've been working on another project and it seems to take all my creativity...

That said... What the HELL is happening in the world?

OK, so first... We are now nearly 2 months into the worst disaster in US History!

I can NOT believe that we can land probes on other planets... That we can clone animals... that we have MAPPED the entire human genome... but we just can't keep Lindsay Lohan from drinking!

Ok... I'm kidding... Unlike EVERY mainstream media outlet in the country... I couldn't care LESS about that skank! I mean, so what if she's a pill popping Alkie?!?!? Is that REALLY so odd in this day an age? Don't we all have at least one "Lindsay" in our lives? And what do we do to OUR "Lindsays"? We AVOID them, right?

If we are truly disgusted by the " Lindsay Spears Hiltons" of the world... we should all just pledge to ignore them! The really WOULD go away!

Ewww... can you imagine if there really were a "Lindsay Spears Hilton"? That bitch would be messsssssssssed uuuuuuup!

I may take a cue from Oprah and start asking all the guests on my show (also known as all the people who just come over to my house and sit around & watch TV) to sign a "No Skank Zone" pledge!

I MAY also have them sign a "No Oprah Zone" pledge... I mean, who the heck is she to have ME stop using my phone? It doesn't even APPLY to her.... When do you really think was the last time she drove herself anywhere? When was the last time she got finished with her show... hopped in her Hyundai Accent, that she's 2 months behind on.... whipped through McDonalds... where she paid with the change that was in her console? She's SO far out of touch! I mean... that's why she has to give away "Her Favorite Things" because none of the rest of us could AFFORD them!?!?! Favorite things.... Good Grief.... I'll TELL you some of MY favorite things.. Electricity, Water and Gas!

This brings me to my next topic... People who are too damn rich for their own good running for office for "my good".

REALLY??? you're serious??? This isn't some crazy reality show?

At last count, Meg Whitman... the former ceo of Ebay had spent more than 68 MILLION DOLLARS of her OWN MONEY for her "bid" for the California Governors Office!?!?!?!? 68 MILLION?!?!?!? I don't know what kind of world SHE lives in... but in MY world... if I had 68 million dollars... Fixing the government would be the LAST of my concerns!

It would have been cheaper for her to start her OWN state and just run THAT! Hell, she could have bought that island from Lost!

I keep thinking that maybe she's just confused? That maybe she thought she was bidding on the office, Like on Ebay? And she just put in some ridiculous amount, thinking SURELY someone else will out bid me!

I mean, People with that much money have NO CLUE about the types of issues that affect and concern me!

The last politician, and maybe the only one in my life that I've felt actually UNDERSTOOD America... and CARED about it, was Bill Clinton.

You can say whatever you want about what did on his "time off" but when he was on the job, None of us had time to be pissed off, because we all had jobs! We didn't freak out about the war in the gulf so much, because gas was 98 cents a gallon!!!!

Bill Clinton was like that friend that always shows up at the family cookout with a couple cases of beer.

But you know what... he always got the job done!

In fact, have you noticed that whenever there's a big ole mess going on... the first thing the president does is send Bill Clinton?

Think about it... Katrina, Haiti... and I'm willing to bet by the end of the week we'll him walking along a beach on the gulf.

Why is he so popular? Because he was the last president who was one of us. He knew what it was like to live on a tight budget with a single mom. He knew that you don't buy something until you're sure your check is gonna be there! And he knew that every decision he made didn't just affect how he would be remembered... but it would also affect each of our lives!

I mean, lets face it... I voted for Obama... but this has certainly been no picnic. I think we all know now that we should have gone with Hillary... If SHE were in office, BP would stand for "Bitch, please!" !!!

Get outta my FACEbook!

2010-04-27T12:30:00.002-05:00

I think it's actually possible that I, in fact, am mean to the core.

I certainly don't DENY that... And I guess admitting it is the first step...

Here's my issue du jour....

What's the deal with Facebook?

At least 5 times a day I am asked to join groups like "I hate Cancer" or "stop animal cruelty"...

My question is... Would people actually believe that I, in fact, do NOT hate Cancer or animal cruelty if I didn't join those groups?

Like I might actually be PRO Cancer and Animal abuse?

Are people actually viewing my profile saying things like "ok... he's 30 something... from the south... seems to have a LOT of personal views... I think I'll request him as a frie.... WAIT... He doesn't hate Cancer or animal abuse!!! WHAT an ASS!!! Why doesn't he HATE CANCER and ANIMAL ABUSE?!?!?! That's it... I'm reporting him to Tom!!!"

Look, here's the deal... Anyone who knows me knows that I have an opinion about almost EVERYTHING! And while my views are often...well... shall we say somewhat inflamatory... I would hope that people realize I am being a bit satirical. That I'm taking my personal view to the furthest extreme possible.

For example... A few weeks ago I caught HELL for suggesting that I think Children should be spanked... I'm not saying that it should be a law... I was just suggesting that personally... in MY view... children SHOULD be spanked!

Now you have to consider all the variables in my view...

One, I was raised in a deeply religious southern family. For them, the BIBLE abdicated spanking. You could load your argument with statistics from every childcare specialist who ever lived... but if that report didn't include the "Chapter and verse" where it's basis could be found... then it was clearly of the devil.

Two, I don't HAVE children... Nor do I want them. If that makes me a bad person, so be it! We can chat about that when you come over to my house and can open ANY cabinet or power outlet you'd like... I'll cook a REAL meal and we'll even eat it on my good china which I don't have to lock up! Simply put... I like having freedom and nice things more than I like having a little xerox of myself arguing with me.

And three, My view is honestly more of a nod for PARENTS to consider their chosen punishment before they come to my house... or sit near me in a restaurant... or get in line near me at virtually any store! While your children may be blessings from the little baby Jesus in YOUR eyes... They are NOT, so much, in mine. I have searched the world for "adult" stores or "adult" restaurants... but it seems the only time "Adult" is included in the title... you're gonna see someone "nekkid".

I'm not saying that MY view is the RIGHT view... I'm just saying it's MINE... and I admit that I'm mean... I accept that I'm hateful... but I expect you to acknowledge that I have the right to be... >;-p

I mean, regardless of my opinion... I'm still paying taxes to fund your child's school... even though I will NEVER have use for it...

I'm still helping to fund programs that pay for lower income people to spout out a few kids... because it's just easier to have kids than to get a job...

Hell, I'm even still buying candy from all the little rug-rats who come peddling at my door! In fact, I honestly probably buy more than YOU...

CLEARLY, I know that I'm kind of a jerk... but I'm honest about it! I don't hide behind some "supposed view" because it's the "right thing to think"...

I'll always tell you what I think... and I admit... that's probably not always a good thing.

There's an old adage... "It is best to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"... (sucks for me...) but then again... that applies to the people who attack me for MY views...

Where's the "like" button for that? ;-o

I do NOT heart Huckabees... or any of their like!

2010-04-17T10:59:00.002-05:00

Do you ever get the feeling that people are SO focussed on making sure THEIR chosen morality becomes law, that they never look at the things THEY may be doing that violate their own beliefs?

OK... This one's probably gonna make some people mad...

Here's the deal. I don't know why people like Mike Huckabee care about 2 consenting same sex people getting married? Or people like the Family Council care whether children who likely will grow up in the state system with NO parents are allowed to be adopted or fostered by a loving couple, married or not?

Pardon my crass view... but does "what you do with your private" REALLY determine whether you're a good parent? And are these groups not bigger pervert than they accuse others of being since they literally sit around... have meetings... and DISCUSS forementioned "privates usage"?

I would like to go on the record with MY views... because God knows I have a view. ;-p

As for marriage.

I believe that if some people are legally barred from entering into that institution... then it should not provide federal, fiscal benefits for those who CAN. Morality views aside... Why should the federal government offer tax credits for people JUST because they got married and/or "did it"?

If, as the Huckabees of the world would have us believe, marriage is a matter of faith and a union that is set forth in the bible... FINE... Keep it as such and remove federal benefits! If it's about "love"... then put your money where your mouth is...

And as for adoption... If you want to prevent me, as an unmarried person who honestly doesn't believe in marriage, from adopting... then don't expect me to pay taxes that benefit schools or any other children's group!

Let's face it folks... there are a LOT of people out there who got married as more of a business proposition. Their business becomes the fabrication of numerous carbon copies of themselves.

All too often it becomes easier and more lucrative for couple to just stay at home and keep having kids than for them to both get jobs!!!

Why should I, as an unmarried person with no children, have to continue paying for these people to keep having kids? Through Wedding Showers, Wedding Gifts, Baby Showers... Birthday gifts.... "AR Kids First", welfare, medicaid, millages, taxes... girl scout cookies... WHEN DOES IT END???

When it really comes down to it... I honestly don't care if I'm not invited to the dinner table... just don't expect ME to pick up the check!

My newly adopted viewpoint on the matter...

2010-04-12T15:59:00.003-05:00

May I just take a quick moment to ask... What the hell is going on in the world?

I was watching one of the news channels and heard the story about the woman who adopted a young russian kid but it didn't work out so she sent him back to russia with a note!?!?!?!?

REALLY????

You know, this story is wrong on SO many levels...

Firstly... is it REALLY that easy for "some" people to adopt???? I mean, I can't accept that there was ANY type of background check on this woman!?!? Is it just because she was adopting a foreign child and since they're not "really" americans they don't count? Is there a white haired lady behind a desk in her office adorned with religious art who just decided "well.. even if their new parents beat them... at least they get to come to America"?

To think that this little boy, who was just 6 at the time he was adopted, was sent here to a totally strange country.... and when (SURPRISE!!!) he had a little trouble adjusting... this "mother" decided "rather than work to help him... I should just send him back... I don't have the receipt... but I bet they can look it up if I just send them a note".

That is the problem with Americans today! We have become a generation of "trashers". If something isn't EXACTLY what we want, we just throw it away and go get a new one!!!!

You know, I sometimes wonder how we got to this point? I mean, My grandmother Alberta had a large wad of foil in her kitchen drawer that she used and reused often! I think she may have bought the roll shortly after WWII and just kept re-using it! It's not that she couldn't afford to go out and buy a new roll of Reynolds Wrap... there was just no NEED to. I mean, the foil she HAD worked just fine!

And my other grandmother, Nanny... She canned vegetable from her garden every year... and I think she used the same set of jars she bought at the green stamp store, circa 1958! There was no NEED to get new jars!!! Just get some new "seals" and she was good to go!

So what, in say 30 years time, happened to turn us all into a bunch of "users"?

My theory? Wal-Mart

Think about it... before wal-mart... people saved up for quality items and then took care of them!!! Heck, they often passed items as simple as a saw or doll down from generation to generation!!!

Then, Walmart came along...

All of the sudden, items were mass produced! Sure, they LOOK shiny on the shelf... but can you think of a single item you still have in your house right now that you bought at Wal-Mart 10 years ago?

We're a generation that has been programmed to have no long term attachment to any purchases! There's always something thats bigger and better!

That tangent aside, I still can't believe how many people failed that little boy.

I mean, his "mom" put him on a plane with a NOTE!!!! What does it say about homeland security that not one flight attendant thought it was odd?!?!? Not one person READ that note and alerted police BEFORE that kids got back to Russia?!?!?!

There are SO many people to blame in this... and while I still say Wal-mart is to blame for the THINKING of a generation... lets face it... if she were returning a white russian at Wal-Mart... she'd still have needed a receipt!

Marlboro Memories...

2010-04-11T16:45:00.003-05:00

OK, OK... I know it's been a really long time since I blogged... but I have been fighting the "nicotine demons".

Happy to say, I'm winning SO far... it's been 4 months now.

I had to sort of take a break from life for a little while to retrain myself how to live without cigarettes.

It truly is amazing how that habit infiltrated my entire life.

I remember the first cigarette I ever smoked... and while I KNOW that *I* am to blame for my own actions... I still like to throw a little guilt my sister's way. >;-)

See, many years ago, my dad had sent us down to the store to buy him a pack... at THAT time, they cost right at a dollar a pack. For some unknown reason my sister, who was 12 at the time, asked for 2 packs.

We walked back across the 5 lane highway to get back home... Gave dad HIS smokes and then hurriedly ran to the side of the house with OUR pack.

I guess Dad had to leave because for some reason, the only people home were my sister, me ... and unbeknownst to us... our older brother, Charles... or Chuck as we called him.

Once my sister (whose name I'm omitting to avoid lawsuits... although MOST of you who know ME know HER) was relatively certain that we were alone... she opened the pack, lit one and then gave one to me. I think she must have been thinking that by giving ME one she was making me just as guilty as her... so I wouldn't tell.

So there we stood, nestled behind the overgrown cedar tree... beside the wall of Virginia Creeper... She, with her "square pegs style cutoff overalls" and me, most likely wearing giranimals shorts and an underoos shirt.... both of us stood there puffing those horrible death sticks.

As my sister and I continued our secret beatnik party beside that house at 1104 C street... As we, the 12 and 6 year olds talked about our lives over a cigarette... our brother POPPED around the corner!

AHA!!!!!!! He said... My sister and I stood there, frozen in fear... finding only the will to throw down our cigarettes with such force that they bounced at our feet.

"I'M TELLING MOMMA!!!!"" Chuck said. My sister was quick to offer him a cigarette so as to lure him into our guilt spiral, from which NO "tattling" could escape!

It was no use! Chuck had just stumbled onto the juciest, most sordid piece of information that any of us in our young lives had EVER learned!

As Chuck walked back into the house... As my sister and I sent him off to a chorus of "I don't care... tell her! TELL HER MOMMA'S BOY!!!" Then, only then did my sister launch our one and only option!

"We'll just smoke them all... and bury the evidence somewhere CHUCK will NEVER FIND IT". It sounded so reasonable that it just HAD to work!

So there, in the hidden side yard between OUR house and "Claude and Loretta Rains" house... we, the preteen offenders began our daunting task.

I distinctly remember standing there with a cigarette in each hand, peeping around the corner watching for any hint of that 1977 Red Datsun Station Wagon that Mom drove with pride!

There, hiding in the shrub, we puffed like we were trying to siphon that last gallon of gas in all existence!

After the 5th or 6th cigarette... I began to feel a little "unwell".

As a 6 year old in a "paycheck to paycheck" family... I was actually used to running and playing outside since we didn't really have anything worth doing INSIDE...

Being that I was ALWAYS running.. I was actually in pretty good shape... I OFTEN ran long distances at high speeds without even breaking a sweat! Not even when I was running from a bee... or the devil! But there, in our tar stained hide out... I was feeling a bit clammy.

We finished the whole pack... and buried the evidence.

When Mom got home, Chuck waited about 10 minutes to watch us squirm... but he told her. We were CERTAIN that there would be NO WAY Mom could link us to such outrageous activities as "child smoking"... but... as it turns out... Nonsmoking mothers can usually pick up the scent of cigarettes on the breath of their 6 and 12 year olds!?!?!

My sister never smoked again after that! Unfortunately... I did.

You know, my childhood is FULL of these crazy little stories. At the time, I felt like I was losing out by not having the best toys or cable TV... but now I know *I* was the lucky one!

I still think about those days every time I drive by 1104 C street in Barling, Arkansas. One of these days I'm going to hop out and dig on the side of that house.. just to see if any of our "evidence" is still there! ;-)

Snow? I feel some nostalgia coming on!

2010-02-08T10:01:00.004-06:00

I don't know what it is about snow that makes us think of the past? Past Christmases, past trips or just our childhood in general.

Now, most people know that I am a product of a strict southern childhood. That is a fact that I neither hide nor regret.... but instead I wear it proudly like a giant belt buckle or some turquoise jewelry.

I grew up in Waldron, Arkansas... just south of the "snow possibility" line.

I can remember almost every day that I spent in Waldron. From Birthdays at Nanny & Papaws... to Holidays at Abb & Alberta's.... To entire summer breaks spent with my cousin Sandy.

Sandy is a bit older than me and therefore responsible for any of my poor judgement that might have occurred while in Waldron. I'm not sure that statement would hold up in court... but I think it explains a few things.

Anytime Sandy and I were going to spend time in Waldron, it all began with the battle for 2 things... the "gold couch" and the "blue cup".

As strange as that sounds, the loss of either or both of those items could certainly derail your entire trip.

The "Gold Couch" was one of 2 couches that Abb & Alberta ( my grandparents) had in their living room. Those couches became our beds when we stayed there.

It was called the "Gold Couch" because of the coarse, thick, yellowy gold yarn that was woven together to create the most coveted upholstery Sandy and I had ever seen.

The couch honestly looked more like a really long chair as it had a tall back that provided full lumbar support even before scientists understood it's benefit!

The other couch, the "green couch" was quite different. It's was a common green color... with upholstery that failed to make ANY statement of greatness... sure, it had many pillows... but they were common, unimpressive pillows.

As I remember it, the rules of the claim game were this. The first person to claim it when BOTH participants were inside the house gained legal, indisputable control of said item.

MANY times I remember stepping into my grandparents' house only to hear a faint echo coming from the bathroom down the hall... " I GET THE GOLD COUCH AND THE BLUE CUP!!!!!"

Immediately, I could feel the blood rushing to my face while my hopes for a good vacation were falling to the floor.

The Gold Couch AND the Blue Cup?!?!? I may as well just turn around and go home!

Then, Sandy would come sauntering into the living room, carrying that victorious chalice... that coveted cup... The BLUE cup.

See, the Blue cup was just ONE of a set of 4 plastic cups... There was the Blue cup... the red cup... the yellow cup... and the green cup.

The cups were identical in all ways... except for the majestic blue dye that was used to create that glorious glass!

Sandy would walk into the living room, carrying the cup filled with fizzing soda... she'd plop down on the GOLD couch, take a sip from the BLUE cup and say "Ahhhhhhhhhhh."

All I could do is look ahead, sipping from my bland cup... sitting on my basic couch... and just YEARN for the day *I* would would have that absolute power.... possessing both the Gold couch and the Blue cup!

I think about those times on days like today. I remember how we filled every possible moment with wonder and fun.... Whether we were playing "office"... or even when we played "Knight Rider". (By the way.. when we did... SANDY ALWAYS had Kitt as HER car... my car was called Lightning and of course it couldn't do all the things Kitt could do)

My point is, even though I spent most of my childhood in second place... I was so lucky to have that childhood. Nothing could replace all the crazy memories of Sandy and me scaring each other... of all the crazy "potions" we made in the bathroom. (it's a wonder we didn't accidentally make meth!) And even the summer I found out that unlike Sandy, I am not allergic to poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac.

Actually, that summer may have been the best one of them all! >:-)

Can people REALLY be THAT tone deaf?

2010-01-28T14:26:00.002-06:00

Well, it has begun!

The annual task of determining exactly who will be our American Idol... to reign over us... unite the world through song... and show that music truly IS the answer... Mwah ha ha ha ha! I almost didn't get through that!

We all know that American Idol and shows of that ilk serve one and only one purpose... so that we can sit at home and watch people make fools of themselves... and if lucky... cry as their dreams are dashed.

What is it about seeing the humiliation and destruction of others that makes such good TV?

But in all fairness, aren't these people honestly just setting themselves up? Don't they actually kind of have it coming?

And while American Idol is the main platform for this atrocity, doesn't it really exist all around us?

I mean, I watch that show and see those bleach blond, ditzy girls who walk in there like they are Lady GaGa...

They all have such confidence... "I KNOW I'm the next American Idol... everybody says so!"

Then... that awful moment. I mean, you usually can't tell for the first couple notes... but there are some who are just insufferable the instant that first sound escapes their mouth!

And you know, If I was up there and I saw the Judges reacting badly... maybe laughing... I have to think I would stop... but they don't, do they?

Granted, sometimes it's because they're following the Christina Aguilara school of performance... Eyes closed... head moving... hand accentuating the high and low notes...

Then, when the judges offer that sage advice that they should NEVER sing again.... they always look so surprised!?!?!

OK... So I just can't accept that ANYONE can be THAT self unaware!

What kind of mental abuse is being offered toward these performers if their friends and family actually ENCOURAGE them?

I mean, I'm sure it starts as a simple "white lie"... like when your friend shows you pictures of their baby who was delivered naturally... with that pointy head... and you're compelled to say "ohhhhhh, how CUTE!!!!!".... Cut to 3 years later when the kid is still bald.... but wearing those "stick on" bows in her photos for "the prettiest baby" contest!?!?!?

See, by then, we're invested in the lie... you can't exactly go back and say... "girrrrrllll.... I'm sorry I thought you KNEW I was just being nice.... your baby looks like an ankle!!!"

So we just let it go! We may actually even start to believe the lie a little... Suddenly EVERYTHING that ugly little kid does is "GREAAAAATTTT!!!! A Gift from baby Jesus, just amazing!!!"

And there's not an easy way to bring the parent and the child for that matter back to reality! There's no script for it... well... there wasn't... until now.

Let's revisit Betty and Brenda and Brenda's daughter Angeline is examining her career possibilities...

Brenda- Betty? Did I tell you? Angeline just got her pictures back... we're going to get her an agent to help get her into modeling!

Betty- Ohhhhhhhhhh, Bless your heart, is that right?

Brenda- Yeah, everyone is always going on about how pretty and talented she is... What did

that photographer say? Oh yeah, that she had a lot of the same features as Anne Hathaway!!!

Betty-Really? Are you sure he said ANNE Hathaway? Not Jane?

Brenda- Oh HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ! Are you talking about "Miss Jane" from Beverly Hillbillies? HA HA HA HA HA You are so funny, Betty!!!!

Betty-Oh Ha ha ha... yeah... you know me... always a joker... So what happened with Angeline's

job over at the school cafeteria?

Brenda- She's gonna give it up... We're just so certain she's going to make it!!! We took a loan

We're dumping our savings into her big chance!

Betty- OH JESUS!!!! Umm Er.. Jesus Loves the little children... I have always loved that song... Well, I'll be praying for you... er.. her... You know... maybe before you go through all

that, maybe she should go for American Idol!!!!

Fa la la la -----whatever

2009-12-29T17:22:00.002-06:00

Well, we survived another holiday season! Now, we just have to make it past the 2009 finish line!

Unfortunately, it seems that the crazy shopping madness and traffic troubles didn't just stop with Christmas!

Apparently, everyone in the free world saved up all their vacation until the last of the year... I assume to piss me off!

OK... So, Sunday after Christmas I had to go to the store.

I put it off as long as I could... but I was down to the last of my instant rice and ranch dressing... So I actually HAD to go buy groceries.

I live 1.4 miles exactly from Wal-Mart.... so I thought SURELY I can handle this.

As I was about to turn onto the highway I was met by a slew of those lovely drivers who are driving 50mph until they get near your intersection and see that you have a narrow window of opportunity to get onto the highway.... then they slow it way down!

After they passed I was able to get onto the highway... but the onslaught of idiot drivers made it impossible for me to catch up with the drivers who willfully made it harder for me to get on the road... I wasn't going to flip them off or anything... I mean it IS still the holiday season... but if I could make it difficult for them to make a turn or get into the outside lane... then we'd be even, ya know? I mean... I would just be fulfilling the other half of "do unto others".

Anyway... I finally make it to the Wal Mart Parking lot.

May I just ask, what the HELL are people thinking when they cut across the lot to get the perfect spot?

I mean... do they really think those yellow lines and arrows only apply to OTHER people but not them?

MORE than once I have been driving along, following the directions PAINTED on the lot only to be cut off by some large woman, with bangs circa 1987.... two bumper stickers- one that says "follow me to -insert church name here-" and the other that says "Housework doesn't suck...if it did men would like it".

I think I'm just becoming such a jaded person in my old(er) age... because I don't even stop when I see them swinging around to cut in front of me.... I CONTINUE WITH MY RIGHT OF WAY!

And even though, according to any drivers education book ever printed I am in the right... I end up getting the hateful look/finger point?!?!?

So I find a spot.... drive over the empty cans and used diapers! By the way... WHY do some people do that? There is nothing more vile than to step out of the car and step on or near a discarded dirty diaper! If you see someone dump a diaper in a public lot... take a picture of them /their car... As God as my witness I am going to start a photo site where we will expose these nasty inconsiderate parents....

Finally, I get into the store.... feces free and with a portion of my patience hanging by a single strand of hope..

I'm trying to rush to get what I need, and I get stuck behind a man on one of those motorized carts! The ONLY thing that kept my rage in check is knowing that this man... this poor soul... has clearly had it worse than me.... I mean... I have the freedom to walk the aisles... while he... through some cruel test of fate is resigned to this scooter... unable to reach items on the top shelf... WHAT THE HELL?????? That's when he STOOD UP... Grabbed his item.... and then stretched his back!!!! As if this "road trip through Wal Mart" was just too much for his back... He needed to take a break from sitting! I FELT CHEATED!

Once I got around him, I was met on every aisle by people who were apparently using each aisle as a venue for their family reunions!!!! And then when you look at them and muster up every ounce of politeness left in depths of your soul and say "excuse me, please" with a SMILE no less... and you get that "huff/jagged cart move"!

When that happens, it is ALL I can do to not go peel off one of those security tags in electronics and somehow attach it to them where it's not visible... so Mabel at the front door will make them walk through the metal detectors 57 times just to figure out what wasn't scanned!

Finally, I make it all the way up to the checkouts... only to end up in a lane where the meanest woman ever created it berating the checker for not being able to scan her coupons.... only to later find out that 3 of the coupons were for items the lady didn't buy and 4 of them were EXPIRED!

I get through with no major problems... only to find a cart lodged against my door.

I push it to the Cart Corral (Yes people... that's where they go) , Get in my car and FLOOR it out of there!

About halfway home I'm coming down from my stress induced rage... when it hits me.... I forgot bread!

My sojourn o'er the river crotchety

2009-12-03T01:35:00.005-06:00

I think it's finally happened!

I have crossed a major milestone in my life!

I have waded across the river crotchety and come out the other side soaking wet!

It happened so quietly! One day I was smiling as I passed over the Fox News Channel... the next, I was ready to call those bastards and give them a piece of my mind!

But seriously folks.... I'm not sure if it's my age, my poor diet and sleeping habits... or if I've finally realized that just ignoring stupid people will NOT make them go away.

let me start by saying that I didn't just slowly wade into crocthetyism.... I ran in splashing! It's a messy process that seems to splatter my disdain equally across a number of topics!

Like... What happened to the "R" in "frustrated?"

Seriously... I have recently noticed a decline in the proper pronunciation of this word! Was there a meeting that I missed where pop culture announced that henceforth we will all be "fusstrated" at traffic?

Was this mentioned on a chain e-mail that I deleted without reading, thereby guaranteeing myself bad luck and preventing something "amazing" from happening for me and the 12 people I sent it to?

Apparently, that same e-mail must have also referenced the "T" in words such as "curtain".

You see, I have recently adopted a new guilty pleasure known as "Let's make a deal".

I believe most of us know the premise of this show... you get a gift, you can trade it for a box or a curtain.... and like life... sometimes it's a good trade, sometimes it's a giant pile of potato peelings.

While watching this GEM of American Heritage... I have seen, or rather heard, several people say they would like the (and I must spell it phonetically) "CUR uhn".

Is this some sort of a trend? Did someone do this once and others told them "that's so cute"? Because, I assure you... it is not. It's quite upseh-un actually.

Yes, I hear you as you are reading this...."what's his deal? Why is he worried about this and not the war in Afghanistan?" To you I say, "Of COURSE those topics matter to me... but if you're going to belittle me, get your own damned blog".... Respectfully, of course.

My point is, and I actually do have one, that we have become a society that is so afraid of offending someone else that we don't speak up when they sound stupid!

Like tonight... I saw a group of women, I assume they were all members of the "Betty Baptist's Prayer Hair Care" group.

They were on the news talking about camping out all night at Sam's Wholesale in Fayetteville, Arkansas to be the first people in line to see Sarah Palin.

Apparently, they were afraid that since they all looked alike... that Her Highness, Sarah Palin, might assume she'd already SIGNED their book and "go rogue" refusing to validate their reasons for living and refuse to sign their book.

See, THESE ladies were proud to say they were there for Palin because she "represented Christian family values". By the way, I'm gathering that the way you do that these days is to write some sort of tell all book and then leave your kids at home while you tour the country selling your wares to every housewife who feels empowered by seeing you tote a gun.... I"M GUESSING... Not saying that's fact.

But my issue is that THESE ladies stood up and were willing to say whatever they felt... becuase it is a popularly accepted statement! I mean, who ISN'T for family values? Yes, certainly that is a topic that is up for interpretation. But none the less, we all hold true to some form of values.

So why shouldn't WE stand up for our beliefs?

Is it truly so wrong of me to say that I think pets are better than children? I'm not saying that's how is HAS to be for EVERYONE... I'm merely stating that for ME, I would rather vacuum pet hair up every day than actually to have to deal with a child that quite frankly would just break all my nice stuff and grow up to blame me for everything! I've SEEN "Intervention"!

Should I feel ashamed to say that I believe pastors of super-churches who live in homes few members of their congregation could afford... or drive cars that few people could afford are frauds and will have to answer to God when asked "Could you have spent less on your lifestyle and maybe given a bit more to help others?"

Will I honestly be Chastised if I stand at the "Speedy Checkout" at Wal-mart and make sure people actually have 20 items or less? And if they have more, maybe just start picking random items out of their cart and throwing them on the ground? Maybe just repeating "Gotta be 20 items or less, ma'am!"

I guess what it all boils down to is..... I am apparently in the metamorphosis stage.

I started as a young man, filled with hopes and dreams.... wrapped myself in a cocoon of reality and came out as a budding old codger with wings to fly but nowhere worth landing!

So instead of taking flight, I sit at my desk and write about all the piddly things in this world that just aren't up to par!

Then, I remember.... We truly are all in control of our own destiny.

We are only held captive by the decisions of others when we as strong willed individuals refuse to speak up! Make some noise!

I mean... If I failed to bring these issues to light, my nephew and niece would grow up in a world where people are "fusstrated with their cur-uhns"

Really? REALLY!?!?!

2009-11-23T00:59:00.002-06:00

This evening, the music loving world fell victim to an attack!

An Audio/Visual act of terrorism!

Seriously Adam Lambert.... Millions of us sat through your weekly abominations and fully expected you to win American Idol... Not because you're the best.... but because the producers thought you were marketable...

Lets examine that using tonight's debacle as a test subject.

I know the AI producers thought you would appeal to young girls and women 18-49.... but was it THEIR heads you were rubbing in your crotch as you "GRINDED" across the stage?

That poor, poor back up dancer! Bless his heart! At least it looked like he was wearing a mask of some sort to protect him from the horror that is Adam Lambert's Hoo Hah!

I understand that in SOME parts of the country, that whole fiasco was "blacked out"... obviously because the AI producers KNEW that type of activity would be damaging to your tough guy ima ha ha ha ha sorry... I just couldn't say it!

But in Arkansas... all that was blocked was the Audio part... so while we were spared the "mothra like" screams emanating from your mouth, Adam... We still saw you sexually assault that poor boy on TV. That is an image that cannot be unseen, God help me.

I read on the Rolling Stone page that Adam was going for an "in your face, push your buttons" kind of performance.... well... as we saw... he was in SOMEONES face!

Ya know... here's my beef with Adam Lambert and his ilk.

At a pivotal moment for equal rights for all people, he has deemed himself... well... the "queen" of the movement.

The problem is, He's nasty.... He is presenting himself as a representative of the "gay community" and when people start talking about whether gays should have equal rights... they're going to remember tonight's performance.

I figure it will go something like this.

Brenda: Betty, I read in the paper that them gays is trying to get special rights!

Betty: I seen that too... You know they're just doing that so they can recruit! I seen the whole thing on Fox News!

Brenda: You know, I ain't never thought about how them boys is... and what they do... but just the other night I flipped over to watch the NEWS.... At first I was excited because I thought I seen Liza Minnelli on there and the way she was moving I thought Praise Jesus, her hip's better... Then, my little granddaughter told me that was a BOY!

Betty:Lands sakes

Brenda: Luckily I was able to find his name on the church boycott site... I think his name's Adam something....

Betty: Oh I know who you're talking about... Adam.... but there ain't no EVE!

Brenda: OHHH Ho ho ho ho ho Betty, you're TERRIBLE! Ohhh Ho Ho ho ("rich" lady laugh)

Betty: All I know is I heard he was practically fornicating on that TV program... That's how they are, Brenda... Hollywood is FULL of 'em

(and Scene)

My whole belief is that everyone has the right to be who they are... but I also believe that right comes with a teensy bit of responsibility!

Does is hurt any of us to observe a general standard of decency and decorum? Do any of us really NEED to know what someone does in the privacy of their own home? (you know aside from murderers and pervs... I mean... we kind of DO need to keep an eye on those people)

It's just like when you see some crazy white supremacist freak from Arkansas making national news... and then you get calls from friends from all across the country asking "Did you know him"

Gee... ummm... is THAT what you think of me? One white guy from Arkansas speaks out on the national stage and now that's how we ALL are?

Sometimes... personally... I feel it's good to live your life like the whole world's looking! Whether we like it or not, we are ALL representatives for our race, sex, beliefs, orientation... etc.

Our individual actions today WILL have an affect on those who follow us!

I think "time out" needs it's ass busted!

2009-11-07T10:52:00.003-06:00

Over the past few weeks, it seems the world has lost it's damn mind!

Shootings at military bases and high rises... People hiding a 7 month old child IN A BOX under a bed for 12 hours to keep police from finding it... and just this morning I read a story about an 18 year old who beat a 64 year old NUN to death after robbing her!

I've given this a lot of thought and I think it's time to re-evaluate.

Sometime in the 70's or 80's ... Some child psychologist who was apparently coming off a reefer binge decided that punishing kids the "old fashioned" way was damaging to the growth of their individual personalities...

So they suggested... and we all apparently agreed.... that "time out" was the way to go.

OK... let's just think about this and put it into context...

If a child gets in trouble... they're told to go sit quietly alone in a corner and think about what they did! Am I the only person who thinks that sounds just a TEENSY bit like an ingredient in the "recipe of a serial killer"?

I mean... all the kid is thinking about it where they went wrong? What they could do DIFFERENTLY next time to avoid getting caught!

And even if that's not what the burgeoning psychopaths are thinking... Can we all agree that this type of psychological punishment... the "removing" of the child from all activities while the family happily continues their day... is perhaps less effective and more damaging than a quick swat?!?!

All I know is when I was a kid... I knew that if I did something "bad"... I was going to get my ass busted!

Or even worse... My Nanny used to make us go pick a switch off the tree!!!! Of COURSE I always picked a small, brittle one... but before it was used to exact my punishment... Nanny would put it through a battery of tests... and if it didn't pass... she went and got the grand daddy of ALL switches!

Yes, I lived in constant fear... but you know what? I actually LEARNED that my actions had an expected (and painful) REaction!

I'm not sure how well it worked... but I've not gone on a massive shooting rampage... or killed any nuns! (knock on wood)

Aside from that... I think it's AMAZING how we all seem shocked when certain kids do terrible things!

While bible based lawmakers fight to "preserve the family" in the eyes of the law... they're doing NOTHING To preserve it in real life!

And while "Child Protective Services" is raking in state and federal funding... they're failing the children in their care on some of the most BASIC services!

I have a friend whose child is "in the system"

This child has been in one of the shelter's for "troubled kids"... where the child was attacked by another kid staying there... and was even taunted to "walk on out the front door" by the alleged caretakers!

When the child was taken to the hospital after the attack... the parents were notified "you need to go to the hospital to get your kid"

After that, the child was placed in a mental health facility for kids... and was once again was hit by a couple other kids!

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

This kids was placed in the system because the child got in trouble repeatedly for being disrespectful... But you know what? The kid was never INJURED while in the parent's care!?!?!?

The whole system is so incredibly flawed that I'm not sure HOW it can be fixed!?!?!

But rather than actually take a look at this state run system... our lawmakers... the ones charged with representing ALL of us... are fighting to tax cigarettes more... arguing against the lottery... and preventing "unmarried couples" from adopting or serving as foster parents!

Granted... I personally don't want children... But if I did, I certainly wouldn't think it should be up to a group of haggardly fat old lawmakers with wives who wear WAY too much makeup and children they never see to tell ME that I'M not fit!

And on that note, when Arkansas passed the law preventing unmarried people from serving as foster parents... did it also include legislation REQUIRING married people to step in and foster kids? No... it did not...

So in ONE great swipe, the "Billy and Betty Baptists" and the "Ed and Evangeline Evangelicals" LEGISLATED their OWN moral religious beliefs... while thousands of kids were prevented from having a safe foster home, rather than a crowded poorly run state facility!

I ask you... in THAT situation... What WOULD Jesus do?

Wow... what a good nap!

2009-11-04T23:18:00.002-06:00

Yeah, ok... so I was out of the blogging loop for a while.

I unhooked my computer... and really got used to using my iPod/iPhone for pretty much everything... but I was NOT about to type out one of my crazy blogs on those things! The "Spell Complete" alone would have driven me crazy!

Sometimes... I'm typing an actual word that I KNOW exists... and it pops in with another suggestion!?!?!? I'm like "seriously? is this a SMART PHONE??? If it's so smart, how come it doesn't understand 'Ha Ha'???? I mean WHY would it think I was trying to say Hat Hat?"

And have you noticed how sometimes you'll type "Hell" and it automatically changes it to "He'll"? What the he'll is up with that?

Anyway... where to begin.

Previously on "inside the mind of Anthony"... I'm sure I was on some tirade about American Idol... the cost of gas and Wal-Mart... Yeah.. that's pretty much me in a nutshell.

I WILL tell you a quick little story that taught me a lesson about ALWAYS being nice to people... no matter how difficult...

OK... so a couple weeks ago, Glen and I went to K-Mart to check out their "going out of business sale". (Which, by the way, is a TOTAL joke! I mean... if THOSE prices are 40%-50% off... I think I know why they're going out of business)

Anyway... It was the day before our big garage sale... I and I was hoping to snag one of those clothes racks.

So we go into the store... and all the racks are lined along the back wall... none of them are priced.

I found the ONE lady who looked like she worked there... and by that I mean she was a skinny "leathery tanned" woman with smoker's hack and an apparent eating disorder.

So I asked her "are the clothes racks for sale?"

She said "Yes"

"How much are they" I asked.

She proceeded to walk over to the service desk to pick up a notebook and then told me "We don't know how much they are yet... anyone who wants one can leave their information and we'll call them"

EXCUSE ME? Isn't this store going out of business? Haven't all the ads said "Everything must go?" I mean... the way they're promoting this sale I half expected to be able to walk in and say "Yes, I want this 10 foot section of the floor... 4 of those ceiling tiles.... OOOOHH How much for the fish eye security mirror?"

But NO! They're running up the cost of the fixtures, based on how many people WANT them!

So I will admit... I totally got snotty with her and said something like "I have money right now, right here... if you all were SERIOUS about selling them then I'd load one up right now... but with THAT procedure.... y'all can just work around them until you lock the doors for the last time!"

I huffed off and found Glen and said "Let's Go!", Confident in the fact I had truly just told them off and I was in the right!

We left K-mart and went to Target... a Furniture Store... we pretty much ran all over creation.

then.... when we got home... I went into the bathroom to wash my hands.... I looked at myself in the mirror... Why can I read the print on my shirt so well in the mirror?

That's right.... I had made an ASS of myself wearing my shirt WRONG SIDE OUT!!!!

I can only take solace in the fact that MAYBE those people noticed my shirt... and just thought I was crazy.

note to self... if you're hopping on a high horse... give a quick look in the mirror!

The smell of change?

2009-08-13T00:09:00.002-05:00

As the world ponders such issues from Health care reform... to fears over a possible H1N1 outbreak... one issue has fallen by the wayside!

I am here to shine a blazing light on a growing problem that I feel all to many people are ignoring! And by IGNORING it... it's only going to get worse!

That problem, of course, is''' What ever happened to soap that actually smells like soap?"

Seriously! I think this whole modernization of the hand soap industry has gone too far!

The other day, I was washing my hands in the bathroom and caught a whiff of a sweet, sugary, vanilla smell.

That's just wrong!

I understand that some people LOVE that scent... but it is NOT a scent I want to smell in the bathroom!

Something about mixing food smells with... well... OTHER smells in that room is just gross!

While THAT is the top example of this growing issue... I have to say it's not the only issue.

I mean... even OTHER scents are inappropriate for various reasons...

I mean... I personally don't want my hands to smell like I just picked a bushel of blackberries! As if there's some blue floral bonnet filled with berries that I picked with the Ingalls girls while "pa" caught dinner in the "crick".

Besides... for those people who LOVE food scented soaps... what is the first thing you do when you wash your hands? You hold them up to your nose... inhale deeply... and say "mmmmmmm I just LOVE that smell!".... the problem with that? You just put your clean hands up to your dirty nose which clearly you did not wash!!!!

What is the FIRST rule Doctors say about preventing Flu and sickness? DON'T be touching your face!

Maybe I'm way off in left field here... but I choose to prevent the spread of germs ANY way possible!

That is why I NEVER eat birthday cake unless I can easily peel off the protective coating of icing!

PLEASE people?!?!? I don't care who you are or how cute your child is... I am NOT eating something that you... or your child just blew across!!!! I may as well just lick your nose!

Critter Wars!

2009-08-12T10:02:00.002-05:00

When I moved to my home in Van Buren, Arkansas... I encountered a bug that I had never seen before.

I've since found out these scary little bugs are known as "House Centipedes".

This first time I ever saw one, I had just moved in and was sitting on the newly carpeted floor, watching TV.

As you might have guessed from all those legs... these little boogers can HAUL! By the time you've seen something out of the corner of your eye.... They are ON you!

Now, I am not really afraid of spiders or most bugs... My only REAL "bug fear" is the Scorpion!

My brother Charles used his knowledge of this fear to scare me mercilessly.... Sometimes meticulously cutting a scorpion image out of a magazine and placing it along my base board... or on my bed... He even bought me one of those Oklahoma Paper weights that has a scorpion inside it... yeah, it was greeeeeaaaaaaaat.

So with my prior knowledge of the way scorpions look when they quickly trek across your carpet... I nearly went into a fear induced seizure when a house centipede darted across the floor and onto me!

Most people who know me, know that I really hate to kill anything... I will usually catch the critter and set it free outside. That's not a Buddhist belief... I think it'd more for all the times My cousin Sandy and I would catch things... and our uncle Billy would begin telling us about that creatures family... how they would be wondering what happened to it... maybe even holding search parties or hanging tiny little signs. Needless to say, the Scorpion in my one exception.

One night I killed one of these bugs as they darted across the floor... really just so I could make sure it WASN'T a scorpion... if it HAD been... I was ready to pack up and move again!

When I lifted the shoe I used to kill this thing... I was confused. I mean... what WAS this thing? It looked like false eye-lashes had fallen to the floor and took off running really really fast.

Then, I started worrying that I might have killed some endangered bug... I mean... If I, being a person of country/hill people heritage had never seen one... it MUST be rare!

After a long talk with a friend at the Extension Office and countless hours of web searches... the bug was identified.

Turns out, these creepy little bugs are actually GOOD to have around. They eat spiders and other bugs.

I've since tried to just let them be... it's kind of hard... because some of these things have been more than 3 inches long !

We've sprayed many times... but it doesn't seem to have a huge affect on them.

I'm cool with them, for the most part, but there is nothing that will shake you awake like seeing the light from the alarm clock cascading off a bug darting up your wall!

ewwwwwwwwwwww! Heeeeebie Jeeeeeebies!

Motivation: An experiement in ... ah... whatever

2009-08-10T10:00:00.002-05:00

So Here it is AUGUST already and I have NO motivation to complete all my goals for 2009!

What's the deal with that?

I mean, this is the first year in nearly 20 years that I've had a schedule that would permit me time to work on my personal goals... and yet... nothing.

I KNOW what it is... It's that stupid TV and all the glorious shows to which I am now addicted!

Let me give you a rundown of my favorite shows... and a brief synopsis of why these shows are television gold!

Of all the reality shows ever created... Big Brother is the only one I would ever want to go on! And let me tell you why.

Winning that game is TOTALLY about listening and learning... and convincing other people that YOUR goals are actually THEIRS.... I could... and totally have had to do that!

look people... I worked to TV stations for 18 years of my life! The ONLY way to survive that long in that field is to play mental chess!

Don't get me wrong... most of the people I worked with were amazing, truly genuine people... but I can say without reservation that at every station I worked, there were people in power who certainly never should have been. But... I, as well as others, smiled... complemented them on their great ideas... maybe even told them they looked like they lost weight... all the while, sneaking our own ideas into the system... and convincing management that it was THEIR idea...

I'm serious people... I could TOTALLY win that show!

Another show I think is great is "The Colony".

The premise for this show is that there's a group of people who have survived some sort of apocolypse and now they're trying to recreate certain parts of civilization.

What I LOVE about this show is that there's a realistic element that none of the other survivor shows have... People can attack you and steal your stuff!

I mean THINK about it... that's totally what would happen in real life... Heck.. it's what DOES happen...

Not that this is any comparison, but I live in a pretty nice neighborhood... presumably safe. Yet every year, kids steal things out of my yard! Whether it's a pumpkin at Halloween or a yard decoration... it's still stolen.

I'd like to invent a new show about protecting your home... maybe featuring new inventions... something like "motion sensing tasers" that you could hide in your shrubs? Of course that would HAVE to come with a camera... I mean... there is no better joy than seeing a thief get tazed while trying to steal something... it only makes it that much better if it's a mean little kid. >:-)

Rounding up my weekly viewing is Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss...

I actually think I Like Cake Boss better than Ace of Cakes. I mean, that guys cakes look more edible than Duff's on Ace of Cakes.

Duff's people make some amazing "cakes" but only a small part is actually edible. pretty much every part of the cake on "Cake Boss" is edible... AND they make other cakes that actually look like... well... cakes... and they look sooooooo goood.

You know... looking at my viewing habits... I'm starting to see why I've become a chubby hermit! <:-0

What did I EAT ?

2009-08-09T11:57:00.002-05:00

I may have had the STRANGEST dream I've ever had last night.

Most people who know me know that I can usually pinpoint certain elements of a dream and can tell why I dreamed about it... but this one really left me scratching my head... so if there are any dream interpreters out there... Here ya go!

OK... so the the dream started with me back at UCA in Conway. There was a competition where you were given a big plastic sword and a list of people you had to tag. If you tagged everyone on your list, your name went into a drawing for $10,000.

My list was random and somehow included my parents.. As soon as I got my list and saw them on it... I went to the dining center (where they were sipping coffee) Tagged them and moved on.

The next two people on my list were so random that it was just odd! I mean, I KNOW them... but I haven't seen either of them in years... unless you count a few e-mails on Facebook.

I was supposed to tag Greg Robinson and Leahe Shultis.

In my dream, they were both in line at the dining center at UCA. I think it must have been around Halloween because everyone was dressed in costume... Greg and Leahe were dressed as Pilgrims. (wait it get's stranger)

So I quickly tag Greg... but I had to hide until Leahe walked by and I quickly tagged her! She turned around and said... "Oh, Heyyy.... Sorry... I'm just not feeling well". I remember telling her she looked really good and she could probably wear the skirt part of her costume with other things. (?) .....

Right then, she said "I need to sit down"... We sat on a couch that was right there next to the line... and then I called for paramedics to come check her out!

After doing some quick on-site testing... they said... "well, she has H1N1". I was like "GREAT!... I was just sitting with her!"...

Leahe was just sitting there trying to get over her swine flu when I said "I need to go get a drink".... But I DIDN'T go get a drink... I went to see my friend Devonna who was one of my roommates in college.

I didn't talk to her all that long before she was telling me about the new roommates and how one of them knew me.

This part of the dream gets a little fuzzy... I met the guy and he was a 1997 Southside Graduate... somehow, I DID know him in my dream... but I don't really in real life.

NEXT thing I know... I'm working on Glen's and My pool... but it wasn't the 21 foot round pool that we have... it was a GINORMOUS covered WAVE pool! It was COVERED in seaweed so we hired some French or Russian guy to help us clean it. We were all IN the absolutely HUGE pool working in tandem to fold the seaweed up... much like a tarp!

We all got out and glen was pointing over to the side where there were some leaves and he was telling me "You have to get those leaves!"

As I walked closer... I realized it wasn't leaves... it was a baby SEAL! By this time, Glen was beside me and I told him "That's not leaves... it's a baby SEAL" and he was looking everywhere except where I pointed saying "where? I don't see it"... the seal climbed out of the pool right next to me and I told Glen "RIGHT HERE!!!"... he was like "oh... I see"... like it was no big deal! I mean come on... it's a fricking SEAL!

I picked up the seal and carried him to the refrigerator that was beside the pool... opened it up and saw some tiny watermelon slices that I thought he might eat.... I gave them to him and he ate them... but then scrunched up his face and sneezed so I thought maybe he shouldn't eat any more of that... PLUS... when I looked at the watermelon treat in my hand... I realized it was wrapped in purple onion slices. (seriously... what is this all about????)

In my dream... I knew that seals couldn't eat purple onions... so I took him to my sister's house to look up what seals could eat. Of course, my sister was all "OHHHHHHHH! IT'S A BABY SEALLLLLLL!!! HE'S SO CUUUUUUTE"...

I don't know if this matters... but in my dream, that's when I determined that the seal had actually escaped from the fair... OH!!! and he was a GREY seal when I found him... and a WHITE seal with grey patches when the dream ended..

OK... So WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT ALL MEAN?

I mean... I NEVER remember my dreams in THAT much detail...

This dream is either trying to tell me some hidden truth... or trying to tell me not to eat so close to bedtime. It MAY just be reminding me that I am one crazy mo fo.

Things that go MMmmmmrerreerareaaaaaaa in the morning.

2009-07-23T06:45:00.002-05:00

Good morning world!

I'm up quite a bit earlier today than usual... not because I'm inspired by the wonder of the morning. Not because I wanted to get a jump on all the day has in store. Not even because *I* wanted to be the early bird who gets the worm. I am up early because I was awakened by the creepiest, borderline evil sound I've heard in a while.

So, last night I fell asleep in the recliner while watching TV. I guess sometime in the night I woke up enough to turn the TV off and turn the surround sound way down. We usually leave the sound ON so our dog Tucker has some sound to distract him from barking at the neighbors.

Anyway... I was hovering on the edge of sleep this morning when I heard the most evil sound!

It sounded kind of like a cross between a tree frog and a panther... but it had tonality to it... like it was part of a song or something! This TERRIBLE sound echoed around me.

This noise was one of those noises that kind of send shock waves through your body! I think it was worse because it was still pretty dark outside when I heard it... and I had left the curtains open!

As I fought the urge to scream, I also had to FORCE myself to look around and OUT the window! I just KNEW there was going to be some sort of glowey eyed creature looking back at me... thankfully there wasn't!

While I was looking around, puffy eyed and red faced (at least on the side I had slept on) the sound screeched AGAIN!

This time, I realized it was something on TV! I never turned it on to see... I just assumed it was something on Tru TV... maybe "Most Shocking: creepiest sounds ever made"... or maybe a new show "The Adventures of the little baby Satan" on Nickelodeon! All I know is that was a HORRIBLE Sound!

I fell asleep on the recliner because I was up late watching trash TV... yes, Springer was on that playlist.

You know, when I see these women on there fighting over a man... I get so mad! I mean, These women have NO self respect... NO self worth... Have they EVER been told they don't need a man? I'm not saying they shouldn't have one if the WANT one... I'm just saying that they shouldn't settle for WORTHLESS men just to fit some expected role in life.

I hate/love seeing them fight, yelling things like "You better stay away from my man!!!", Wouldn't it be more correct for them to just yell at each other "Girl, you better wait your turn!!!! WAIT YOUR TURN!!! What'd I SAY? What'd I SAY? No CUTSIES GIRL, get back in line and wait... yo... turn!" Sorry... I got a little in character there... had to have my dog rip out my weave for inspirtation!

And am I alone in this... but when you see these women fighting like this... you kind of assume the guy MIGHT be at least decent looking.... but he never is, is he? I mean, I can almost EXCUSE some of their bad behavior and fighting if when Jerry Springer said "Here he is!" and some Brad Pitt looking Mother Fella came strolling out!

But, then he'd ruin it... because the guy ALWAYS comes out and says something stupid like "I could never talk to you!!!! You was always at work!!! so while you was gone I was next door talking to Tasha!!! " THAT'S when we find out that the guy and Tasha are both un employed... and the only person on that stage earning an honest wage is Brenda (or whatever her name is). Meanwhile the guy... we'll call him Dick... is making Brenda feel like it's HER fault he's cheating.... like if she wouldn't have put her career at the Kroger in front of HIM... they could still be together! By this time I am usually flipping off the TV. (Not with the remote! >:-s)

For all those former and future guests on talk shows... I have some advice... and I think you can all agree that this is advice that can be applied to all our daily lives. If someone cheats on you, don't cry! Don't show ANY emotion... don't let THEM see you upset... and don't let "they HO" see you upset either! Don't fight for them... don't pine for them... just act like you're happy you're finally free! THEN you will see true human nature! "When YOU don't want yo' baby daddy no more... his HO don't neither!".... and "When you let yo' baby daddy know they's plenty of mens in the crowd at singles night at the Hoochie Hut... suddenly You'll be his number one again (if you want him)"

It all comes down to one simple fact - "we all want what someone ELSE has or wants!"

This rule applies to pretty much anything in life. From Men & Women... to cars... to the office potluck!

Think about it! How many time have you seen people pass over the last brownie or cookie? After a while... when you see no one else wants it... you start thinking "I wonder what's wrong with it? How long has it been just sitting there? I wonder if someones sneezed on it or something".

I mean, how many of us want a man/woman that's just been sitting there and may have been sneezed on? ;-P

The Next Big Craze!

2009-07-14T14:59:00.003-05:00

So recently, when my mother was looking for a new dog, I realized that this whole designer dog thing is WAY out of control!

Seriously... when I was younger, we just called mixed breeds mutts or Heinz 57.

Now, there's some crazy market to create the next "Puggle" and rake in the dough.

I was thinking of a few breeds that I think would do well with my friends..... They may already exist... but I've never heard of them.

I thnk mixing a Shitzu with a Poodle would be cool... creating a Shitz-a-poo. Or... how about a Shitzhuahua (shitz-WA-wa)? you know.. a mix of a Shitzu and a Chihuahua.

Someone my sister knows has a litter of Labrador/Rat Terrier mix puppies... or Lab Rats.

I mean, what is the deal with that? Why are we so fascinated with cross bred animals?

I've been thinking the next thing we need to do is cross breed plants in an effective yet beautiful way.

I would LOVE to have a Gardosa tree in my yard... (Gardenia/Mimosa) Or maybe a Magdenia (Magnolia/Gardenia)

Why aren't scientists working on this? I mean... now would be the time for them to rake in some "stimulus bux"

I guess, in the grand scheme of things... there should be limits... I mean... before you know it, scientists will be cross breeding everything! And I do NOT want to sit down at the table to have corn on the cob only to find out they added Nancy Grace's DNA to it... Creating the first corn that could scare away predators without the use of a scare crow.... but then again... it wouldn't shut up long enough for you to cook it.

Sometime, I must say... we should just leave it up to the higher powers... let them/him/her/ do the mixing.

Tulsa Trip-PG 13

2009-07-12T18:02:00.003-05:00

Glen and I went to Tulsa yesterday with our friends Sandy & Beth.

Now, NORMALLY our trips with them are pretty tame.

I'm not sure if it was the heat or the moon phase... or if the was a sale on cheap tequila... but something was in the air in T-Town.

When we got to Woodland Hill's Mall, we all split up. Beth wanted to go to some woodworking thing or whittle fest at the expo center... so she dropped the rest of us off.

Sandy went to Macy's, the women's section... and Glen and I went to the Men's section.

I was casually searching the clearance and sale racks ( seriously... they had some good stuff) when I heard a commotion at the counter.

"I am a paying customer and that is just BULL SH#T, I'm not going to take that SH#T from a SALES girl" Said the obese woman with major roots, a bad dye job and shorts that she really needed to save for her "AFTER" picture.

Now, any of us who have worked in retail have dealt with that type of person... there's really no consoling them... they just want to make someone as miserable as they are... I guess everyone needs to feel empowered or something.

No sooner than the woman had stomped away... she came back to point out the girl who had caused her not to shop there anymore.

After the manager walked her away... It was time for Glen and I to check out... while at the counter I told the "new" sales girl that I saw what happened and the other clerk shouldn't get in trouble because of some white trash "speak your mind" day event that had just happened... she said she would tell the manager...

I filed that event into my mental filing case so I could tell Sandy & Beth about it later.... Then Glen and I continued our shopping.

When it came time to meet Sandy at our rendezvous... Glen and I took the outside shortcut to get from JC Penney's to Macy's.

As we were nearing the entrance, we heard a MAJOR barrage of cuss words spewing from the mouth of a bleach blond, thin... actually so thin her arms and legs were "cricket like", woman...

Now I cant type all these words without an adult guard... so I'll replace the BAD words with a variety of stuffed animal in italics...

This is how it happened:

Woman: What did you say about my daughter you stupid son of a bunny? Who the fozzy bear do you thing you are?

Man: If you're daughter is going to come prancing around the mall dressed like a horton hear's a who then you'd better fozzy well expect some son of a bunny to call you on it... Bunny!

Woman: What kind of a fozzy bassett hound says sheep like that about a 12 year old girl?

Man: The same kind of bassett hound who would try to pick up your fozzy daughter for looking like a Horton. I admit it, I'm a bassett hound... and I'm sure glad I went to war to fight for freedom so some little 125 pound bunny could dress her daughter like a horton!

Woman: My HUSBAND is on his second TOUR in KUWAIT you Goofy Darned mother fozz-ing son of a bunny!

Man: Last time I looked you stupid bunny, there's not a fozzing war in Kuwait... hope your goofy darned husband is enjoying his fozzing air con fozzing ditioning you stupid bunny!

This went on for a solid 10 minutes... and there were a couple times I SERIOUSLY thought the woman was going to hit him! The whole time, Glen and I are hiding out of her tunnel vision.. considering whether it would have been worth it to shoot video of it on our cell phones and posted it! At the time... we were like "Noooooo" .... Now, I wish more than ANYTHING we had done it!

So after that ended and we brought Sandy and Beth up to speed on everything we saw... we all decided to head to the Cherokee/Hard Rock Casino.

Inside, once again we split up... and after a short while, Glen and I found a game called Diamond Jackpots that we like.

When we were walking up... there was a LARRRRRRRGE man sitting on one of the machines next to us.. he wasn't playing... just sitting... He was really really large... He actually may have been the largest person I have seen in real life, unless you count that show "Big Medicine" on TLC?

Anywho... we sat down, stuck in our 20's and I guess something caught that guy's attention because he got up... leaving behind a "smear".

I saw it and pointed it out to Glen... it was a long, humid line that lead to a fibrous brown dollop..... of course Glen was JOKINGLY saying it was poo.... that's when the SMELL hit me! IT WAS POOOOOOOO!!!!! I think I may have actually gone pale and I was seriously sickened by that first whiff!

"Oh my gosh it really IS crap, Glen.... I CAN SMELL IT!!" I said.

Glen was like "nuuuuuh uhhhhhh"... I couldn't stay there and argue with him about it... I had to put as much distance between ME and the POO chair as possible!

I scooted down about 14 chairs and kept an eye on it, knowing I would feel HORRIBLE remorse if I saw someone SIT in it...

The good thing is, I won $140 on that machine.... WAY more than I took in there!

I was telling THAT story to Sandy when we left... she said "What d'ya know, Sh#t happens, then you win."

quick movie review: "Bru- No Thank You"

2009-07-12T17:47:00.002-05:00

So Glen and I went to see the new Bruno Flick today.... And that's an hour and a half of my life that I wish I could have back!

The trailers on TV made the piece (I refuse to say film) appear to be a series of pranks.... It LOOKED like it would be funny.

Within the first 10 minutes, Sacha Baron Cohen's character played into a VERY derogatory stereotype of a very small niche of people.

I'm going to be moderately graphic because it's really nasty.

The Character Bruno is paired with his small statured boyfriend taking part in some very raunchy sex acts... some including a phallus on the end of a pole... others including a glass of champagne poured out of a bottle that was tucked in a very obscene place.

I wanted to get up and leave RIGHT THEN... but I wanted to see the Fort Smith Scene that appears toward the end.

The next hour or so was filled with a few funny pranks... coupled with a scene that involved an extreme close up of full male frontal nudity that lasted for around 2 minutes!

AGAIN! This was just TOO MUCH!!! I mean, I enjoy toilet humor as much as the next guy... but this was seriously pushing the envelope, blurring the line between an R Rated film and some new niche of "comic porn".

From his trip to an ACTUAL swinger party where he touched men while they were having sex with random women... to his near nude march in front of the Phelps Hatemongers... it was so far over the top it was disturbing...

And for those of you planning on seeing the film JUST to see the Fort Smith Scene... don't bother... the crowd shots are so fast that you probably won't be able to see anyone you know... and it was honestly the MILDEST scene in the whole piece!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not easily offended and that I have a pretty big thresh hold for all things offensive.... but this piece of celluloid crap is horrible. I honestly cannot remember ONE redeeming feature of this piece!?!?!?

BOOOOOO BRUNO!

Not reccommended for children under 40

2009-06-23T22:24:00.002-05:00

I had to go to the evil Mart today to pick up some sodas...

Yeah, I usually try to avoid that store at all costs.... except when it's hot and I'm crabby... then all my convictions go out the window.

Anyway, as I walked in the icy cool store and buried my hatred deeper... I thought, I want to look through the toy section.

Normally, I won't do that unless I have my niece with me... Nothing says "WEIRDO" like a 37 year old man looking though the toy section alone.

Can I just say kids today are SO lucky. We NEVER had these toys! And apparently, I was part of the generation where the powers who make up safety rules lived by the "oh it's probably fine... no kids have died yet" rule.

Seriously... I remember getting "Hot Wheels" cars as long as I can remember! I LOVED playing with them and chewing on their lovely little plastic tires as I drifted off to sleep.

TODAY I read that they're not really recommended for children under 3!?!?!? I'm pretty sure I teethed on a miniature 1973 Firebird.

Back then, I'm not sure they even CONSIDERED whether a toy might be inappropriate for a child. I mean, how else do you explain Shrinky Dinks?

Many an afternoon was spent coloring those little sheets with sharp (probably lead based) pencils... cutting them out with a pair of sharp scissors... and then placing them in a hot oven! I mean... I had to kill some time before my parents got off work.

So I started asking myself why WE never needed those recommended ages... but today's children do... and I came to the conclusion that children today are stupid.

Seriously! I mean... somehow I seemed to just KNOW as a young child that small things could choke me... sharp things could cut me... and hot things could burn me. It's like there was a guiding voice telling me these things... Oh THAT'S right... it was my MOM!

But see... My mom didn't just warn me that I might choke or get hurt... she'd wait for it to happen and then tell me... "Well, That's what you get!"

And you know what? Over time... I realized that I was responsible for my own actions! I could make my own choices... knowing full well that some of those choices could harm me. Guess what? I turned into a cautious child who was convinced that no one would save me if I DID get hurt... especially not my mother.

The moral to this story... Sometimes, the best thing parents can do is let kids learn for themselves....

If Paris Hilton's family didn't bail her out of every tough situation... don't you think she might stop acting like a hoochie... and maybe even put on a pair of underwear?

Somewhere, in our quest to spread the joy of ecology (Circa 1976), we started thinking that the best way to teach children was to protect them from EVERYTHING... And you see where that's gotten us.

(Once again to all the parents out there... I'm definitely not talking about YOUR little angels... they're just divine! Yes, they ARE the most beautiful children God ever paused to create.)

I feel a song coming on...

2009-06-23T12:11:00.002-05:00

You know, sometimes I feel bad for my pets.

As many of you know, I was a music major in college. Being such, singing has always been a huge part of my life.

I honestly sing more often than I'd like to admit... and often... my own original works..

For instance...

My poor little Holli. She's 10 now, but when she was a puppy, I wrote a little ditty to "rile her up". It was called " I love my Holli". It was a fast paced little song, deeply entrenched in the vaudeville style. It also came with fast hand movements... which Holli HATED and would attack.

For years, I could start with that ever slow first line... IIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOOOVE MYYYYYY..... and Holli would get poised to leap!

I'd then BURST into the rest of the song with arm movements....

"...Holli.... my little Holli... I love my Holli Wolli Girl.... I Love Her... My little Holli... My little Holli Wolli girl." then it pretty much repeats until Holli, smartly , realized that if she ignored me... I'd stop.

Today I was thinking of that song as I sang "Bad Boy Blues" to Tucker... He chimes in with a slight whimper/howl. "Tucker... you is a bad boy.... you so bad all the live long day.... ohhhh Tucker... you such a bad boy... can't you see it's too hot to play?.... oh Tucker... mean old Tucker... why come you has to beeeee that way?"....

I have to say .... those words change depending on the situation... as you might have guessed, that's a bluesy song... I have to summon my inner Billie Holiday for that one.

As God as my witness, I just PRAY my neighbors can't hear me!

You have nooooo Idea.... music just hits me sometime! I don't know if I'm alone in that? I mean, I KNOW my friend Krista is the same... we used to spend entire evening's just singing everything!

It was like we were stuck in an opera.... a very very bad and long opera! ;-p

I can't imagine living any other way.

In fact... here's a challenge for you. The next time you're in a bad mood... just start singing! Seriously! The sillier the topic the better!

Fort instance... if you're out of coffee (or soda) in the morning... summon a deep baritone voice and sing.... "Where is the coffee? I have no coffee? how can I survive? how will I make it? how can I wake up? how can I bring my self alive?"

See the real challenge is finding ways to rhyme.

When I was a kid, I watched those old musicals and thought... life can not be so happy all the time!?!?! Turns out... it can be... it's all just one big song and dance.

Storm Stories: Heat Wave

2009-06-19T16:37:00.002-05:00

It seriously is so hot outside right now.

The thermometer says 97 in Van Buren... and it looks like the trend will continue for the next couple weeks.

This type of forecast would have driven me crazy when I was in news.

You see, my last job in news was coming up with the stories for the day.... and a heat wave meant that we had to pull out the same stories we had done (in my case for 15 years) and find a new way to tell them.

Since it's summer, I'll go ahead and tell you what you will see on TV over the next couple weeks... that way you can forget about it and spend the week doing something fun with your family!

First, you can expect to see a a cool new "open", I'm going to bet it will be comprised of video of the sun, maybe with video of an "outdoor" worker wiping his brow...

then the News Anchor will say something like " it's the third day of searing heat... and it's not going to end anytime soon! We begin our heat wave coverage with a look at the forecast!"

now, after that... they'll pitch to a reporter whose probably doing a story about outdoor workers and what they're doing to keep cool...

out of that, expect to see HEAT STROKE tips... the standards... first you feel dizzy, nausea... then you stop sweating.... that will probably be on a "Heat Wave" background... which is really just a still of the open.

from there, I'm going to guess we may pitch to another reporter doing a story about a daycare... maybe a look at how they're keeping the kids inside all day since it's so hot... and when they DO let the kids out.... they slather them with????? You guessed it... Sunscreen with an SPF of 30 or higher!

That gets us to our NEXT still screen... Tips on picking a good sunscreen.

Out of that, almost certainly, the Anchor will pitch to the website saying something like "or more information on the heat wave or for tips on staying cool... log onto our website"

The week will be filled with people trying to come up with new ways to tell the "it's hot" story....

You'll see such favorites as-
* old or poor person cools down with just a fan
*old or poor person relies on "Cool Zones" to keep cool
*Local Agencies helping you pay your bill
*Emergency rooms see increase of heat related illnesses.
*First bills arrive for cooling costs, leaves customers steamed
*pets and the heat, probably a ride along with an animal officer explaining the required shelter.
*additional tips on keeping pets cool- freezing water to let it melt throughout the day... sheering them... kiddie pool.
*How hot does your car get? Do Visors work?
*Hot Surfaces... danger of burns.

Now, NEXT week we should start hearing about water restrictions and getting a look at local lake levels.

Stories you most likely WONT see.
*** When checking on the power grid to make sure there won't be outages... you WON'T hear how much of a drain Wal-Mart is on the local systems....

*** You also won't likely hear that Wal-Mart is making a donation to help low income people pay their bills.

I certainly don't miss this time of year in News... It truly does get into a rut and is EXTREMELY hard to come up with new angles.

That's why I say... Help the grid, Turn OFF your TV... Do Laundry at night... and go somewhere with the family. While you're gone... you can set the AC up higher...

It's really all about the planet. ;-p

Yes, I get it... now shut the heck up!

2009-06-15T11:19:00.003-05:00

Have you ever noticed how quickly a funny commercial or advertisement can become a thorn in your side?

Over the years there have been so many campaigns that nearly drove me to violence.

I mean, I guess they did their job because I can still remember most of them.... but there are some NOW that I hate so much that I REFUSE to buy the product out of protest!

Subway's 5 dollar foot long commercials make me want to scream! I hate hearing all those people singing sections of the song in their own styles... then someone puts the whole thing together!?!?!?! like nails on a chalkboard!!!!!

Also... What's the deal with those stupid cavemen? I mean... didn't that show launch them into a sitcom? HOW?

Who among us watched those commercials and thought "That would be HIIIIIIIIIIlarious!"?

Is that what modern television has come to?

And so help me, if I hear another "free credit report dot com" song I will have to rip off my ears and throw them at the TV!

The first song... yeah... it was funny.... BUT now were like 5 songs into this train wreck?!?!?! People PLEASE!?!?!?!?

The problem is, Advertising execs are paid to be creative... but they work in an industry where creativity is stunted!

Each "idea" has to be combed through with a fine toothed comb to make sure no one could possibly be offended by it.... and if it meets the criteria.... they use it... and they use it A LOT!

It's funny too... now, they're making 2 versions of the same commercial with tiny script changes!

I noticed this the other day... there was a commercial where a guy is going down an escalator and a woman says "I think you're the father of one of my kids"... the whole premise is that he's confused and thinks she means he's her "baby daddy", turns out the woman is his daughter's teacher... Anyway... in one version, he calls the woman "Miss" something... and in the OTHER version he calls her "Sister Mary Catherine"...

I bet they had to screen that one before dozens of Catholics to make sure it was OK.... And WHY?

Do we really live in an age where we can't say things that are just a little bit offensive???

Are we really so concerned with people's FEELINGS that we will abandon our freedoms and rights?

Do we all REALLY have that big of a chip on our shoulders?

I can't imagine how life would be if I didn't make fun of every aspect of my own life! And shouldn't I have that right?

I think we have just come to a point in time that everyone has built up this image of themselves that is "respectable" and "impervious" to outside influences....

Really? Do we REALLY think that in the grand scheme of things that we, as individuals, are THAT important to the whole group?

Wow! I just derailed this blog and took it totally off in another direction... but my point is... Some commercials are really annoying. ;-p

More posts to come... June has just been SOOOOO busy!

Wait... What was I going to be when I grew up?

2009-06-08T20:54:00.002-05:00

Why is it so easy to imagine what you're going to be when you grow up... but so hard to REMEMBER it in adulthood?

Granted, each of us probably changed our minds at least 3 times when we were kids... but let's take a look at the top 3.

For instance, I know that I wanted to be an Archaeologist. When did that change? I mean... I totally think that would STILL be a cool job to have!

I think what happens is "requirements" kill the dream.

Sure, we'd ALL be Archaeologists if the course study was "digging up stuff 101" followed by "trying to figure out what or who lived here for beginners".

But somewhere along the way, someone decided that in order to dig up stuff, you need to be able to do Trig.

That bad thing is we all just agree with the system.

Clearly, there are some classes that just are not needed for a degree.

What I think is happening is colleges are just slipping some "requirements" in there to make more money.

It probably started with just a few extra classes at first... then they were like "well.. we need to fill a 4 to 6 year plan SOMEhow".

I like the days of Laura Ingalls...

She was like 14 and took the teaching exam... next thing you know, she's teaching a class over by Mankato and courting Almonzo.

If she would have been required to complete a modern degree, she would have been an old maid by the time she finished!

I suppose really does come down to how willing we are to fight for our dreams... I mean... I DID end up working in TV for most of my life... that was one of my dreams... you know... before I KNEW better. ;-)

The year I was cross eyed and toothless.

2009-06-05T11:16:00.002-05:00

My Aunt Janet recently sent me some old pictures from when I was very young... and there were some in there where my left eye was crossed inward.... and I was missing teeth.

I remember how that happened!

When we first moved to Fort Smith, we were pretty poor.

we bounced from a few different rental places before we finally moved to Allied Gardens Estates.

They added the "Estates" to make it sound regal... but it wasn't... it was low income housing.

Being subsidized houseing, it was quite a melting pot. Several families who had JUST immigrated from Vietnam or Laos.

Well, one day, I was walking down the stairs to play in the "yard" when one of the immigrant children came up to me with a paper "lunch" bag filled with rocks and dirt and hit me in my left eye!

That NIGHT my eye crossed inward!

When my mom took me to the eye doctor, all he did was tell me I had to wear glasses... MAGNIFYING glasses to help pull my eye forward.

I hated those glasses... I mean I REALLY hated them. So it was such a "shame" when they were "lost" just a couple months after I got them.

Here's the crazy part... after about a year, my eye slowly straightened up! odd.

As for the toothless part... that was ALL my sister's fault.

One day, I had to have been 2 or 3 at the most, Donishia was jumping off the porch backward.

She DARED me to do it... as I was getting on to the edge of the porch Donishia PUSHED ME and said "GOOOOOOOO!"

I can CLEARLY remember that feeling of falling backward of the porch! I can still feel that horror as I was screaming... and realized that my OPEN MOUTH was about to hit the concrete edge of the porch!

I can still SEE the shards of my front tooth as it SHATTERED on the porch! I think I went in to shock because the next thing I remember is going to the dentist.

He "cemented" my tooth back together and put it back in! But, I picked at it so much later that It all fell out again... and Donishia got in trouble AGAIN! >:-)

I didn't have my front teeth for at least 3 more years! But I've had that story to hold over my sister's head for more than 30 years! ;-p

Turtle Trauma

2009-05-29T08:43:00.002-05:00

Over the past few weeks, little hobbling balls of reptilian flesh have been trekking across county roads and highways everywhere!

I have to admit, even as an adult it's hard for me to pass them without jumping out and grabbing them.

When we were kids, my Uncle Billy and Aunt Janet used to keep us supplied in turtles of all shapes and sizes.

We'd catch them, keep them for a day or two, write our initials on their backs in fingernail polish and then let them go, usually at Addie & Joe's farm... They were my great aunt and uncle.

But of all the turtle's I have briefly had in my life... there is one that permeates my memory more than any other.

I think it was summer, 1979.

Janet had recently gotten her special order, metallic ocean blue Camero Z-28.

She came out to Nanny and Papaw's to pick Chuck, Donishia and me up for a visit to our other grandparents, Abb & Alberta.

As we headed into town, we were halfway into the curve on east 80 near the old lumber yard when we saw that all too familiar bell shape inching across the highway.

Janet pointed it out and said she'd jump out and get it, which she did and then brought it back to Donishia and me who were sitting in the back seat.

At first... all was well. As you know, a frightened turtle will close itself up in it's shell until it feels safe.

We were probably a good 2 miles from Abb & Alberta's when the turtle felt comfortable enough to stick it's head out...

The instant I saw it's head... something shook in me. "I've never seen a turtle with orange and yellow on it's head... are his eyes RED?" I thought.

One by one, his little legs popped out... they were equally disturbing! "Look at those CLAWS!" I said.

About that time, the turtle decided he wasn't so keen on being in the floorboard... and he started crawling VIGOROUSLY toward my seat!

"Janet, this turtle looks funny... JANET!!! JAAAAAANNNNNEEEEET!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHH" I said as I pushed myself into that tiny space beneath the back glass of her car, which I had to share with my sister who was now screaming as violently as I was.

We were just a couple blocks from Abb & Alberta's by now so Janet chose to wait to stop until we got there.

The INSTANT she stopped and opened the door... My brother, Chuck, jumped out of the front seat... Donishia and I leaped out of the back, lunging from the seat straight out the door, never getting out feet within "biting" range of this demon turtle.

Janet grabbed the turtle, which had become startled itself and apparently released every drop of fluid inside it's entire body all over her new upholstery.

After that we NEVER brought a turtle in the car if we couldn't see it's face first!

More memories of a southern childhood

2009-05-28T11:46:00.002-05:00

The last time I went shopping, I noticed that there's a huge section where people can buy "prepared" vegetables.

You can get diced onions, tomatoes... even boiled and shelled eggs.

While I can appreciate that prepared foods can save time in the kitchen, I have to say, they never taste as good as the foods you prepare yourself.

When I was a kid, it would have been taboo to actually *purchase* prepared vegetables or soup.

Nanny, Snooks, Granny Tinder... And even though my grandpa Abb and and grandma Alberta lived *in town*... they all had gardens.

When I say garden, I don't mean that small patch of ground out in the corner of the yard where people plant a couple of tomato or pepper plants.... I mean a good 2-3 acres of nothing but vegetables growing in the southern soil.

Nanny and Papaw had the biggest garden of anyone in my family.

I remember Papaw would head out the garden after Ash Wednesday and "turn the soil".

When Chuck, Donishia and I would go to visit, Nanny and Papaw would load us up in the truck and head to the Farmers COOP to get seeds.

I used to LOVE planting potatoes!

There was something magical about chopping up one potato and planting it to make 5 or 6 new plants!

As the days got longer and the air thicker with humidity, the tiny plants would begin bursting out of the earth.

Onions, peppers, collard greens, okra, all varieties of squash... their yard became a cornucopia of all things delicious!

When it was time for picking, we'd wait for the sun to start setting so as to avoid heat stroke... and then nanny would pull out some big old dish pans which we'd use to carry the veggies into the carport.

I don't think there are any vegetables that I don't like. But there are some that I like more than others.

There was nothing like picking a "mess" of purple hull peas or green beans.

Those, we'd carry over to Granny Tinder's porch.

Then, late in the evening, we'd sit out there with a series of dishpans "hullin" or "snappin", depending on what we were working on.

I remember our fingers would be dyed purple from the pea hulls... and the entire porch would fill up with that wonderful aroma of fresh, green, delicious vegetables.

For us, THAT was the evening news... Granny, Snooks, Nanny and any other cousin or aunt would join us and we'd all share the things we had heard.

"Did you hear about Sister Johnson?" Nanny would say...

No matter what had happened to Sister Johnson, the story would usually end with a "Bless her heart" or a quick one line "Jesus bless her and her family... amen"

It's so amazing... I remember that we were ALL pretty much dirt poor. But no one in the community really seemed to go without.

Small towns, in those days, seemed to purposely disconnect themselves from the happenings in the world... and neighbors focused on what they could do to make sure everyone they knew had plenty to eat and a friend to talk to.

Nanny was amazing in her ability to turn 3 acres of garden into a year's worth of canned goods for herself, and her 3 kids' families.

There was nothing like opening a can of peas in the winter, that you knew YOU had hulled, and helped prepare... and oh what I'd give for a jar of Nanny's homemade beef soup!

What I think separates my generation from theirs is that nowadays, when people get into a bind, they turn to the government for a handout.

Their generation turned to each other.

I have to say, I like their system better.

A sigh for simpler times.

2009-05-28T00:17:00.002-05:00

Every time I turn on the TV I hear about some new invention or computer program designed to help keep me connected or to give me the edge in the world today.

My question lately is, what's wrong with being DIS-connected?

When I was growing up, my "Nanny" was able to stay abreast of all sorts of information using a crazy invention called the telephone!

Get this, she would dial a number on the rotary dial... and that would connect her to an actual living soul!

There was no wondering how "Aint Snooks" meant her e-mail... if there was a problem, Nanny would actually hear it in Snooks' voice..

If a problem was detected, Nanny wouldn't order a gift online and have it sent with a personal message... she did the craziest thing... she would go to the kitchen and bake up the most heavenly apple pie and take it to Snooks, while the pie was still warm.

I've said before that I think our personal relationships have suffered as technology increased.

It's so easy to type out a quick e-mail... but aren't there times when each of us could use more than just "words" of encouragement?

Don't we all still yearn for an unscripted night of friends, games and a few pots of coffee?

I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have had a childhood in Waldron, Arkansas... the town that time forgot.

This time of year makes me miss my Papaw's produce stand.

Nanny and Papaw lived on East 80 just outside of Waldron..

East 80 was a pretty busy highway, so in his later years, Papaw ran a produce stand in the front yard.

I remember when Chuck, Donishia and I would stay with them, we'd be awakened by the aroma of bacon, biscuits and coffee around 5 in the morning.

Just before we sat at the table, the mouth watering scent of chocolate gravy beckoned us.

Nanny wanted to make sure we were up in time to help Papaw with the stand.

Once we finished breakfast, we'd walk out to the stand and rearrange the baskets and bushels of apples, okra, corn and every melon you could imagine.

When everything was situated, Papaw would raise the front flap on the stand and pull his sign out to the road.

I remember that there was a lot of waiting... which was fine because Papaw would pull the old metal lawn chairs out under the shade of the Mimosa tree.

We'd spend most of the day waving to strangers as they passed... Nanny would keep us stocked up on iced tea.

Ever so often, a rusty old car would pull up and some old woman would inspect the produce and then haggle with Papaw about the price.

By the end of the day, us kids were wore out... and just as we thought we couldn't go on... Papaw would tell one of us to go open the ice chest under the carport.

Unbeknown to us, he had put the best watermelon of the bunch into that chest... and it had been chilling all day.

He'd close up the stand... back up his truck... and slice that watermelon right on the tailgate!

Then, us kids would take a seat on that tailgate, feet swinging, and we'd eat that watermelon and spit out the seeds.

As hot and sticky as it was, I don't ever remember complaining. It was magical just sitting there watching the sun set... the air heavy with the sweet smell of Mimosa... as the summer breeze sparkled with the lights of a million lightning bugs.

Nanny and Papaw and even my brother Chuck are all gone now....

Those memories are so precious to me... I can't imagine trading that experience for anything.

And while we can't go back to that time... we can all take a break... unplug a bit.

Turn off your cell phone.

Unplug your blackberry.

Take a ride through the country and stop at a roadside produce stand.

Technology CAN make life easier... but what's the point if you're not living?

I DEMAND that you think freely

2009-05-21T10:10:00.002-05:00

OK, so CLEARLY, I have been on cloud 9 since Kris won last night.

My joy is tainted by the backlash of Adam supporters alleging everything from "the Underdog Theory" to Homophobia.

I don't know if Adam is gay or not... I assume he is, but has he called me and confided in me that he is gay? No.

My problem is, Adam comes across (at least to me) as the kind of "gay" that I would never in a million years want to have as a friend.

He reminds me of a little bar queen who might show up to a party at your house even though you never invited them.... only to find the next day that you're missing 2 bottles of cologne and a signed picture of Tammy Faye Baker..

And why do I feel I have to explain this? That I have to prove that *I* am not a homophope?

I'll tell you why, because in the quest for acceptance for everyone, we all signed away our right to have an opposing view!

And who decided this? The Media? Are we so afraid of speaking our minds or appearing rude that we are willing to just let a choice few atop the entertainment industry TELL us what we accept and don't accept?

Did we hand off our right to free speech so that certain media groups could exercise THEIR right to free speech more loudly than ours?

People, it just comes down to choice... we all still get one.

I chose Kris Allen because I identified more with him.

When he sings a song, you can tell that he has CONNECTED with it, there's real emotion coming from it.

I don't care if a singer can jump 3 octaves... or if he or she can "Look Sad" or give me "Blue Steel" on cue... If they're just performing a song to show me what all they can do... I don't like them. (Sorry Miley Cyrus)

Sorry one final Adam rant--- in 3--- 2---1

What is the deal with people saying "Adam will be fine, he could be the next Elvis"? WHAT???

CLEARLY that's why he started wearing the eye liner, so that he might look a bit more like Elvis.... I mean, did you hear he's actually a blond? Can't picture it.

My point is... you can NOT say a contestant on American Idol is in the same category as ELVIS FRICKING PRESSLY!?!?!

Here's how they are different...
*** Elvis brought something NEW to the table, a bold new style of music that captured the ears of young and old alike.
*** Adam, bless his heart, is capitalizing on a the "Hair Band" sound, a genre that has been dead since the 80's.

Anyway... the season is finally over!

I can't wait to hear what BOTH of them do on their CD's. I mean, I'm not going to BUY Adam's CD.... but I will probably listen to some clips on iTunes or something.

The Cape Caper Solved?

2009-05-18T23:50:00.002-05:00

OK... So I was chatting with My friend Clinton when I mentioned that I didn't like the fact that Katy Perry wore the whole Adam Lambert Cape....

Then, I started thinking about who she reminded me of! Danny Noriega!

You remember, the kid from last season's AI who was a little over the top?

So THEN I started asking myself, "what happened to him?"

I realized that as soon as Katy "Kissed a girl" I never heard about him anymore...

Now I'm not saying they're the same person... but I will say I can't remember seeing them in the same room at the same time!

Pranks that I may have taken too far.

2009-05-18T09:39:00.002-05:00

Most people who know me know that I truly enjoy scaring people.

I'm not sure why that is... but over the years I have pulled some doozies.

At a young age I honed my talent for pranks.

When I was a kid, both my parents worked... so when I got home from school, I usually had about 30 minutes before my sister got home.

I think I was 11 or 12 when I cooked up a way to scare my sister.

I got home aroud 3:15.

I went around the house, turning over furniture and throwing cushions around the floor.

I left the front door open, just a teeny bit.

When I heard my sister pull up, I squirted ketchup around my mouth and nose and laid out on the floor "unconscious".

"Tony?" my sister said as she creeked open the door... "TONY!?!?!" she added when she saw me on the floor!

I'm not sure how I did it, but I held myself in "unconscious character" as she shook me a couple times.

When I finally "came to" laughing... she didn't think it was quite as funny.

That bit was so fun, that I recycled it a few years later.

When Glen moved into my apartment, my best friend Krista didn't really know him.... so she was going to come over to hang out.

well... As soon as I hung up the phone with her, I looked at Glen and said... "You know what would be funny?"

So we turned over the furniture, left the door open... and THIS time, I added a new element.

When I heard her pull up, I turned on my cordless phone so that when she crept in the door she would hear that crazy busy signal you get when you leave the phone off the hook.

Mind you, she didn't really know Glen at all at this point!

So when she crept in, it was the same drill... "Tony?" .... "OH MY!!!"

Then... the BEST part... Glen comes walking out of the back room with a Ketchupy knife!

Krista started screaming and FLAILING Her purse! It really was pretty mean. >:-)

I even remember the BEST time I scared my cousin Sandy.

She and I used to spend a LOT of time in Waldron.

One "Christmas Break"... we were there...

Seems like we had been arguing a little or something so she decided she wanted to be alone on the front porch swing and FORBADE me from coming out there with her...

"Oh REALLY?" I thought... then my brain started clicking...

Once again... I had to be 11 or 12... so this is pretty good for a kid that age to dream up... or maybe it's bad.

I borrowed grandpa's coat, ski mask and gloves.

I went out the back door and ran up the street a little ways...

As I slowly walked back toward the house , I could hear Sandy singing along with her walkman and swinging.

I casually walked along the street until I noticed her looking at me... then I tore off running straight toward her!!!!

She SCREAMED, Looked at the front door, back at me and froze!

Later she told me she didn't want to run in the door because she thought I (as the crazy running person) would get in the house and hurt everyone.

I felt a little guilty about that... you know... when I stopped laughing.

The joy of a southern yard sale.

2009-05-15T10:27:00.003-05:00

What is it about this time of year?

As soon as the flowers start blooming it signals all of us to look in our closets and say "I need to have a yard sale".

In my experience, it's never quite as fun as it sounds.

I remember when I was young my grandmother, Nanny, was quite possibly the best yard seller in all of Scott County.

As is southern tradition, Nanny would decide on a date to host her sale and then call everyone in our family to see if we had anything to put in it.

The day before the sale, Mom would load us in the 1977 Datsun Wagon with no AC... along with the piles of clothes, toys... Every cherished piece of my 6 year old life... all carefully priced for sale.

Now, Nanny's house didn't have a garage... there was just a covered "drive through" carport that spanned the distance between the house and the "utility room".

Nanny would pull every lawn chair into that carport and find the perfect old piece of board to convert those chairs into tables.

Once everything was piled on, us kids would walk around pointing out the things we wanted and just could not sell... Nanny would put those things aside... but somehow they always ended up back in the sale the next day.

As a self proclaimed writer, I think yard sales and laundry mats are the best places to find characters for future novels.

I remember one old farmer who never missed Nanny's sales.

Picture this...

and old 1963 Ford Pickup pulls into the gravel drive way.

Behind the wheel all you can see are knuckles, overall straps and a big old stetson hat.

the door opens with a "creeeeeek" and then it happens!

That old man, who looked like he had JUST come from the Scott County Sale Barn, steps out of his truck wearing a pair of pentecostal issue, black slink back low rise heels!

Now this OF COURSE caught all us kids' attention.

I think I giggled, only to receive the swift "Snap/Behave" combo from Nanny.

The old farmer walked up to the sale and first asked if we were selling any old tools or fishing lures... What is it about old southern men that makes them ALWAYS ask that at yard sales?

"No, just some furniture... toys.... and quite a few old shoes" Nanny said. She was so sly in her baiting technique.

The old man walked over to the shoes... "Are these a size six?" he asked.

"Yeah, all of mine are, My sister Snooks may have put a few 7's in there... her feet are bigger than mine" Nanny said, always quick to get in a quick jab at "Aint Snooks".

The farmer gathered up every pair of women's shoes and handed Nanny a couple dollars, which she put in the cigar box near the door... then the man just walked off.

Now the INSTANT that his door slammed us kids asked Nanny "Did you see? He was wearing girls shoes?!?!".

Now I don't know if Nanny was trying to protect his image or justify her own sale of women's shoes to a high heel wearing farmer... but she told us "Doctor's don't know why, but women's shoes just fit him better".

See, anytime there was something unexplainable in the south... you just had to add "Doctor's don't know why" to validate it.... "Doctors have done everything they can" is also acceptable.

I believe this yard sale was the SAME one where I was playing with a tennis ball, bouncing it off Nanny's roof when it ricocheted off the roof and hit a VERY old woman as she was hobbling back to her car. Thank GOD she was pentecostal... without that bun, she might have been hurt.

Yard sales are as much a part of southern life as gardens and pot-lucks.

I am quite sure that from 1960-1990, no one in Waldron actually bought anything NEW.... I'm pretty sure we just all took turns wearing it.

Politics, Religion and Idol

2009-05-13T09:37:00.003-05:00

I recently realized that American Idol has now become the newest topic that should not be discussed by friends.

Those of you who know me know that I'm a bit of a button pusher. I can't help it. I just enjoy taking an opposite view and running with it to get people "riled"

This American Idol thing has been a goldmine for my efforts.

I am amazed how upset some people get when I tell them I think Adam is a prancing show horse made up to look like Liza Minnelli. What, it that bad?

This "protective nature" expressed by the Adamites amuses me.

As a Kristian, I support the natural talent of Kris Allen. He's great! I have fully accepted that he most likely will not win, but I am hopeful.

Often times, I will call out the Adamites for falling into such a generic and easily chosen path.... and still... they reject the Kristian ways.

Obviously, most people who actually know me know that I'm merely kidding around with them and trying to get their ire... but some people have honestly gotten mad at me for my disdain of Adam.

I have to laugh it off.

On this topic, I have to say, as a Kristian, that Adam was WAY over the top last night!

During his first song, I had to pause the show for a minute because I considered taking a picture of his cow tongue to prove my point... Seriously... that "hanging his tongue out of his mouth" bit absolutely grosses me out.

I've said that to some of the Adamites... only to have them tell me they hate the way Kris shapes his mouth when he sings.

I told them that it's better than "Drag Queen" mouth and that most people would look past that considering his ability to play nearly any instrument... Then I asked them which "instrument" does Adam play.... I think we all know.

What would be great is to see people care this deeply about governmental issues!

Wouldn't it be great if we could debate changes to Health care? How about foreign policy?

I've thought about it and decided that the government could get a lot more people interested in these issues if they had a "vote line" or if people could text their votes.

How great would it be to be talking with your friends saying " Dude, I totally voted for us to leave Iraq like 40 times last night... the line was busy for hours!" ?

Or what it you could decide whether banks or companies received bailout money by texting?

I guess the the way it is probably is best.... but that puts things in perspective.

Sure, Adam will likely win this thing and go on to the stellar careers of artists such as Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barino.... Seems like their songs are on the radio ALL THE TIME!!! Wait... no they're not... it's DAUGHTRY I'm thinking about... the guy who DIDN'T win.

Say What?

2009-05-12T11:25:00.002-05:00

What in the world has happened to mainstream media?

C frickin NN has followed this crazy Miss America/ Perez Hilton saga as if it were actually valid!

First of all, when did Perez Hilton become the voice of all things that should or should not be?

How, with his background, did America decide "He should be the one to call Miss America contestants out"?

I can not believe that he has parlayed his gossip blog into a celebrity status! I mean, his blog is pretty much the updated version of the Enquirer and we don't see the editor of THAT fine publication serving as a spokesperson.

Even more, why would anyone even CARE if some girl says she doesn't support gay marriage? I mean, it's not like she has any HOPE of becoming a member of congress... shouldn't she, as well as all of us, be able to express a personal opinion?

It's certainly not like she is anti-gay... She's a pageant queen for goodness sakes! She knows that she needs the 'mos ion her quest for the crown? I mean, who do you think did her hair and makeup? Who helped her decide what to wear? If she did it on her own, she would have been up there in some cutoff shorts, wearing a "Girls Gone Wild " half shirt with her hair up in a scrunchy. How do I know that? Because in the real world, that's all hot girls have to do to get guys to notice them.

Another concern I have is that TMZ has become a source for some mainstream media!

I nearly fell over when the whole Rhianna story broke and Diane Sawyer showed pictures of Rhianna's battered face which were credited to TMZ!

Have you ever watched TMZ? It's hilarious!

It's as though we've all been "let in" on their "editorial meeting".

There's a 40-50 year old man getting ideas from kids who look like they just happened to be at band camp when they stumbled onto a bit of gossip.

The last time I watched it, there was a blond kid on there who looked like Louie Spicolli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High!

The popularity of THESE types of people have even lead CNN to create shows which have no true merit or viewer benefit.

I used to like Nancy Grace... but now, she is just horrible.

I don't care about the "Tot Mom"!

Nancy has made a career out of exposing the dark secrets in ordinary people's lives.... Yes, the tot mom is fair game, but her family?

Can you imagine being the grandfather of that child and having to hear the sordid details of your daughter's life and granddaughter's death being broadcast on national TV everyday? Knowing you couldn't object or write a letter of complaint because it would then be read and posted on Nancy Grace's Website?

Nancy is doing to regular people what TMZ is doing to celebrities!

With her background as a Judge, which she wears like a broach for all to see, you'd think she'd realize that she is destroying ANY of her subjects' chances of a fair trial.... all so she can lure in a few more people who want to know all they can about this case.

There is a difference in transparency and propaganda in the legal system. For ALL our sakes, I hope that remains true!

But every time we tune in to these shows, we agree that this is how society should be!

Look at how this thinking has changed the media, just since 9-11!

I LONG for the days when the evening news actually offers stories about actual events that are occurring around me... such as the war in the middle east... or crazy weather patterns.

Do I really need Charles Gibson to tell me about Madonna's divorce?

Stupid sayings that annoy me.

2009-05-11T11:57:00.007-05:00

I like to think that I'm "in on" pop culture... but there are a few sayings which just plain annoy me.. and perhaps MORE annoying is that too many small town people have latched onto them and CONTINUE to perpetuate the death of the English language.

Let's just start with "cool beans, Circa 1986". That saying was never a great one, yet some people hold on to it. What does it even mean? As I understand it, one might say "cool beans" as a positive response to something.... But are beans themselves actually a good thing when they arrive to your plate "cool". I mean, I would immediately assume that said beans had been scraped off another plate. Either that or the waiter had done something to them... maybe spit in them or wiped something gross in them thereby causing them to cool down more quickly.

Maybe it's just the context of it's usage that bothers me. Maybe we should change it's definition from something good to something ominous... "Walking down this dark alley at night is cool beans!" Or... "The weather is a cool beans, it may storm tonight". Just a thought.

What about "she's all that?"

This one has ALSO ran its course! I knew it was dead when I actually heard someone over 75 years of age saying "she thinks she's all that and a bag of chips". (No, it wasn't Paula Abdul who said that)

When that saying started, do you think there may have been hand gestures involved? I mean, could there have been a girl walking in a store and someone was standing near the jewelry cabinet and they were trying to illustrate that the girl thought she was worth a lot? Maybe they pointed at the jewelry and said "She thinks she's all that"... and someone working behind the counter laughed as they were about to go on break... then they looked in their hands at the bag of chips they were going to take on break and thought " I can one up that saying"... so then they turned back to the person who said it and said "all that AND a bag of chips!"...

I don't know... maybe I'm trusting in the creativity of the public too much...

Maybe, in fact, there's a government brain trust that just comes up with these phrases to "dumb up" the public...

Another one that just seems odd is when someone says "that's gay"

Is it? Does that mean the item in question has built s float which it is now riding while wearing leather chaps and a half shirt?

If someone points at a blue shirt and says, "that's gay", does that mean the shirt is attracted to other blue shirts?

And can we clarify? I mean would anyone ever say "that's lesbian."? OR... if the person pointing out the gayness actually kind of liked the shirt would they ever say "That's Bi"?

I think I just think about things too much.

My point is, we shouldn't buy into these sayings. We should strive for our own original words and nourish out own creativity!

If you don't agree, Check yourself before you wreck yourself. ;-)

Sorry for the delay... blame it on the rain.

2009-05-10T13:16:00.002-05:00

I have been really busy the past few days and haven't had time to post a new blog.... But I assure you, there are topics to be discussed!

First, I just have to remind people of the tragedy that was Paula Abdul.

I can just see the producers sitting in a pitch meeting. " We can get Daughtry... He has a new CD coming out.".... "No Doubt wants to perform, it's a pretty big deal, this performance will prove they're not breaking up!"... and then... from the corner... that lone little voice "Paula has a new song".... cricket... cricket.

I was a producer for a TV station for years and let me explain something to you... all producers have a secret non verbal language.

I can just IMAGINE all the glances and raise eyebrows... as the producers *said* something like "yeah I think we can squeeze that in"... but what they *meant* was "Oh sweet nectar of the gods this is going to be delicious!!!!"

Let me just say, I think Paula was great during the time of her rise to fame... I'm sure we ALL had to be "Straight Up" with someone in our lives... knowing full well "Opposites Attract"... Many of us may have even found ourselves "Blowing Kisses in the wind"... or maybe we studied "Vibeology"... My point is... she served a purpose.... but.... That performance was just as contrived, shallow, show boaty as anything the "great" Adam Lambert could ever do.

I mean, it could just as easily have been HIM in that little red number being flung around by those backup dancers.

As I watched, I just kept thinking about that GREAT Character created by Meryl Streep in "Death Becomes Her"... Was Paula's "performance" not JUST like the opening show in that movie? Bless her heart.

I don't want to just harp on Paula... She just seems to have become the "pin up Cougar" for what American Idol and Disney is doing to the entertainment industry.

I mean... Before American Idol and Disney, there was no Miley Cyrus... The Taylor Swifts of the world were still busy paying their dues... and the Jonas Brothers would have just been a novelty at county fairs and church retreats...

There was a time when singers had to at LEAST be old enough to drive themselves to their next gig!

Why have we become so focused on turning CHILDREN into stars, and then dressing them like skanks?

Then we're all SURPRISED when the Britney Spears and the Lindsay Lohans freak out, get hopped up on drugs and plow over a few photographers while not wearing underpants!

We should revolt against this trend!

Give me Pearl Jam, Alice in chains... performers who have LIVED the lives they're singing about!

Some of the BEST writers are never given proper credit. I challenge you to listen to the lyrics of a few Mary Chapin Carpenter songs... She honestly has a gift for telling a story... John Legends music is AMAZING... Allison Krauss... really there are too many to mention!

What I guess I'm saying is, if I'm going to give an artist 4 minutes of my life, all I ask is that they truly share something from within themselves! Don't give me your whiny, nasal rendition of someone Else's words... I don't care how many mountains there are to climb, Miley.

(side note... The Black Eyed Peas TOTALLY don't fall into this group even though their songs are a little strange... I love them... because I AM so 3008 and you're so 2000 and late.)

"Do you have kids? Well... there's always time."

2009-05-07T12:26:00.003-05:00

Let me start this by saying to all the parents out there that I think it's great that you have/wanted kids... but indulge me for a moment.

Why is it totally allowed, in the south, for people to invite themselves into your future family plans or lack thereof?

When I see casual acquaintances from the past, why does the question "Do you have kids?" always come up within the first 5 minutes of conversation?

Do we actually live in a world where having a child is a prerequisite to being an actual adult?

Don't get me wrong, I love kids... just not in my house around my stuff or my pets.

Yes, that's selfish... yes, that's Un American... but isn't it my right?

I always love to hear about my friends' kids... but honestly I'm more interested in their pets.

I swear, I am going to start carrying around a baby book with my pets pictures in it so that when people start with the "Look how cute she is" I can whip out the pet book and say "Look at my dog... he's in the same pose as your daughter... but then again, people EXPECT a dog to chew at it's butt every now an then... Oh! That came out wrong... I'm sure your daughter will outgrow that."

And, if it's allowed for people to push themselves into MY personal life, it is then OK for me to be honest when they say something like "Isn't she the prettiest baby you've ever seen?".... Ummm... no, not really... Oh that's her FACE... I thought was a foot.

It just never ceases to amaze me exactly how PERSONAL people get with their questions!

Like when I say I don't have kids they're always like "There's still time if you want them". I am going to turn 37 in June... If I wanted kids, I would have fathered them in High School like the rest of the Southern population.

And what IS this baby craze that makes some women walk up to a complete stranger who may just happen to be a "bigger girl" and ask "when are you due?" That is SOOOO rude! I never assume ANYTHING in that department... it's just too risky!

What would those same women say if the girl said "No I'm just bloated because of my period... How long after menopause did it take YOU to stop bloating?"

Like I said, I really actually LOVE kids... they're just not for me. Anyone can tell you I have a real tendency to get kids all riled up and then send them home. Maybe that's why people keep pushing me to have kids... so they can get my kids all rowdy and send them home... I finally get it... it's not out of concern for my happiness, it all about revenge!

My Hatred of Adam explained

2009-05-05T20:58:00.002-05:00

I understand that many people have trouble understanding my hatred of Adam Lambert.

Let me explain.

When this season of American Idol began, Adam was actually one of the people I myself was rooting for! But maybe 3 shows in, that changed.

I can agree that he can sing in his own wretched, vile way... but I can not STAND hearing him... and God Help me if I have to watch him.

Even BEFORE The drag photos of him surfaced, Glen and I were like "get your dollar bills ready, that is a Drag Queen!"

That cow tongue sticking out as he tries to emulate Patty Labelle's mouth shape... Seriously... don't mess with Miss Labelle.

As his performances continued, I began to see how much he was totally in love with himself. And yes, every performer has to have self confidence... but seriously... he is just over the top.

His performances alone I could live with... but the producers of AI and the Judges made their decision a long time ago.

I know people say "shut up, you're just stupid... America Votes"... to them I say... I spent 17 years of my life in television and I know first hand that you can present a story or person in a way that makes it or them stand out... that is CLEARLY what the producers have done.

In past seasons... contestants drew for their positions in the lineup... you can not tell me that Adam CONSISTENTLY drew the final spot!

Then, the week after he was in the bottom 2 (while in the final spot) he's magically in the starting spot AND the final spot with a duet?

They have made their choice and they're trying to influence votes!

I can't quite understand it either. They're pushing him as this "retro rocker"... that's not even a "today's music" genre! Even more... as we can see from past contestants... that will not be the style of his album! They'll take the shell and fill it with whatever they want.

Bottom line is he is about as "fresh" as week old bread... and as "cutting edge" as Reynolds wrap.

ANY of the other 3 could win this and I would be happy.

I think I'll look back at this post in 1 year, 2 years maybe 3 years and I'm willing to bet people will agree with me... and we'll all get a good chuckle as we say "remember that one guy, Adam I think... whatever happened to him?"

One from the Archives.

2009-05-05T13:04:00.002-05:00

I stopped at a junky little yard sale this morning.

When my brother Chuck was alive, he and I used to go to some of the scariest places on earth, all in the quest for old radios.

I was thinking about one time when Chuck , Glen and I went looking... and for a brief moment, I was worried we might not make it out!

So here's how it happened.

Chuck had called some number for a guy who said he had some old antiques and radios.

He asked me and Glen to go along, which we were happy to do... you never know what you're going to find.

So we pull up to the house, which was over near Gerber in Fort Smith.

It should have tipped us off when the house had a 6 foot tall privacy fence all the way around it.... but no... Chuck was SURE there could be a Catlin radio or even the coveted Spartan Nocturne just on the other side of the fence.

We walked up to the fence and knocked on it... no one answered. That was a little strange because we had JUST gotten off the phone with the guy.

So Chuck called him again and the guy said he'd meet us in the driveway.

When the guy came out, we should have slammed the car in reverse and fishtailed out of there!
He was grimier than expected... I kind of wondered whether the home had running water.

While Glen and I were ready to go, Chuck was hopping out of the car and ready to venture into this "home" to see what treasures lie within.

Just as the guy finally decided to take us inside the home... he paused. "None of y'all work for the police or anything do you?' DING DING DING wwwwWWWWWEEEEEEWWwwwwwww! Lights and sirens were going off in my head.

"I work for Wal-Mart" Chuck said... Then Glen said, "No, I work for Beverly Enterprises".... Now, I had to weigh this one carefully.... No, I did NOT work for the police... but I worked for the TV station. I knew that if I answered truthfully it might send this guy into a Meth Induced rage... "I work for Wal-Mart too!" I said.

This was good enough for the man, so he led us inside.

OK, I have been in some really junky houses... Heck, I've LIVED in some really junky houses... but nothing... NOTHING prepared me for this.

WE walked into the "living room" which was lit by a 15 Watt bulb in a lamp with a dirty lampshade... and a strand of Christmas lights that were suspended in a fishing net that was hanging from the ceiling!

The room was FILLED with old coffee cups, McDonald's Happy Meal toys and a few pieces of furniture... you know... the stuff we ALL have left over at the end of a yard sale.

As my eyes adjusted... I saw a woman sitting on the remains of a 1970's couch. She was holding something.... "Is that a dog?" I thought... NO! It was a baby!

As I began to recite the 23rd Psalm, Chuck looked around the room and made small talk with the guy... "A lot of people collect those Happy Meal Toys... do you have any radios?" Chuck asked.. He was always pretty coy about getting the topic BACK to old radios.

"Nothing really in here, I may have some in the back room" the man said.

Now at that moment, I was thinking... he is going to get us in that back room, kill us and bury us in one of these holes in the floor! but before *I* could say anything... "Can we see them?" Chuck asked.

The man lead us down the hall... to a room that had a MATTRESS over the door! "You'll have to move that mattress to get back there" he said. I feel my heart racing and my stomach churning! I made a quick mental note of all the windows I could break out if I had to make a quick exit... Of Course, Chuck walks back there, moves the mattress and goes into the room!

Glen and I stayed at the other end of the hall listening for any sounds of impacts or muffled screams.

Finally Chuck emerged with some little radio that really wasn't worth anything. He bought it anyway because I think he felt sorry for the guy.

When we got back in the car, Chuck said... that place was a little scary! YA THINK?

Chuck could always convince me to go with him into the most God Forsaken places in search of antiques.

At the time, I remember thinking "I will NEVER do this again!"... but I always did when Chuck would get a big lead.

Chuck passed away in 2003, and I really haven't been able to go "junking" too much since. That was something that he and I shared and it just feels empty without him.

For all the hovels and shacks that we went in while he was living, I am truly grateful.

Thankful for the memories that were blazen in my memory by the high adrenaline levels which come with the possibility of being killed and stuffed in the floor.

A quick reality check

2009-05-04T23:46:00.002-05:00

Just a couple of quick notes on Reality TV

Did anyone see this week's Amazing Race?

I can not believe what happened!!!! So Jen and Kisha were in the running to be in the final 3... until Jen decided she had to pee!

Jen and Kisha were on their way to the final pit stop with a pretty good lead on the other team when Jen absolutely HAD to stop and pee!

OK... I know it can be really difficult to think of anything else when you have to pee... but they were racing for a million dollars... I would have pissed my pants and kept on running if I knew there was a chance for me to win a million dollars! I mean, Jen quite literally pissed away her chance at a million bux! I hope Margie and Luke win now.

As for Idol... I have a baaaaaad feeling. I'm really worried that Kris could go home this week.

The producers are clearly trying to make sure Adam doesn't end up in the bottom again... I mean it's "rocker week" and he is attempting to stay in character as a rocker.

Just looking at him sing and stick out that giant cow tongue while he contorts his mouth into the "mask of tragedy" shape makes soooooo siiiiiiiiiick.

Clearly I hate him... nuff said.

On a quick side note, I stumbled onto the most ridiculous reality dating show that has ever been put into production.

I believe it's called "Daisy of Love" and it's on VH1.

The girl who these guys are trying to win a date with is "toe up". I mean she puts the NK back in Skank. I'm not sure what that means... but trust me it's bad.

She looks like she'd be kind of oily to touch... and might smell like patchouli and egg rolls.

Apparently, the world has ran out of possible shows... They keep re-packaging the same old crap with a different skank.

That's all for now... I have to go pray that Adam will be voted off.

Am I Liberal or just Lazy?

2009-05-04T11:09:00.002-05:00

Wow... I just woke up from what seemed like a 2 day nap. Nothing like rainy weather to help you sleep.

During the 2 day deluge, I heard from one of my cop friends that the crazy Topeka "church" was in town picketing the funeral of a fallen Marine.

Really?

What is it about those people that has just clicked off to make it seem OK to do something like that?

I totally get that they believe they're doing the right thing... Which is apparently to let the world know that THEY are now God's chosen people...

Have you ever seen these people? Seriously... they just don't look right. They all kind of look alike. Legally I should say, I'm not saying they're inbred.

What happened to these freaks? I mean... I have to applaud them for their dedication. I'm not sure there's anything I feel strongly enough about to actually picket... well... unless I thought it would help get Adam Lambert off American Idol.

But seriously. If I was part of a group that was supposed to picket and I woke up to a rainy morning... I would totally assume the protest had been rained out. Then, when I saw them later I'd just tell them, I was on my way when I had to stop and pray... God told me to tell you that he's really happy with you. You know those people would eat that up.

I just don't get it. I mean, have you seen some of their signs? They are just funny! Of course you have the standard "God Hates Fags".... which might I add, that sign would have to be changed if they were picketing in England... unless it was an anti tobacco rally.

I just picture them in the editorial meeting. Sister Brenda walks in with a Mock Up on some signs...

"Brother Phelps, as you can see here... we've superimposed Barack Obama's face over some of our stock images of the devil. You see he's holding a pitchfork and he's saying Burn Baby Burn"

"Over here we have Hillary Clinton, you'll notice we've morphed her head on a snake... see how she's coiled up ready to strike? as you can see we've written the word 'gayness' on her fangs... clearly she's ready to strike and infect her victims with gayness"

Somehow I picture Phelps saying something like "do we still have that one with Lance Bass Shirtless? I need a new copy of that one for my files.... Don't ask me why... God says I need it... and could you lock the door behind you when you leave?"

I think for me, it really comes down to this...

I would never support a church that spent more of it's time hating than helping. I have known too many people who have committed suicide or just given up because they were told God hated them.

And oddly enough, In my volunteer work for numerous organizations, I've met more "secular" people than religious ones.

I don't claim to know the mind of God... and I'd hate to be one of those people who DO claim to...

I kind of picture the entrance to heaven a bit like Airport Security. You have to go through security so they can check your baggage.

"Sir, You have a lot of Hatred in here... "

"It's not MINE, I was holding it for the pastor of my church"

"mmmm hmmmm, well it's in your bag so you best go sit down and wait for security."

Yeah, I kind of picture the security guard as a black woman.... because black women absolutely do not take any crap!

My advice is....

We all know how to do the right thing. We shouldn't have to wait on a pastor or religious leader to tell us.

We also shouldn't allow them to change the way God or the higher power.. .what ever you believe in has directed us in our heart.

However...If you still believe you SHOULD be fed beliefs... God told me to tell you to vote against Adam Lambert.

Waldron Wisdom

2009-05-02T15:54:00.003-05:00

It seems more and more that people are just losing all self control and inhibitions.

Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer that everyone should have the right to be who they want to be... but sometimes, I'm just a little bit like "well why would you want to be like that?"

I must admit that I have been accused in the past of being a bit uppity and even snobbish. I don't actually MEAN to be... but there are just some things and people that I just can't abide.

I attribute it all to my Waldron Roots and the rules both spoken and non that we all lived by there.

For instance...

Never go anywhere that you'd be ashamed to be found dead. Think about that for a minute. It's all well and good when your friend says "it's going to be great! Strippers everywhere... all the booze you can drink...". That might sound intriguing until you start thinking in headlines. "Waldron Boy Dies in Booze Drenched Stripper Melee". That's not the kind of thing people would overlook at the funeral.... in fact, it might lead to a pretty small potluck prepared by southern church women.

Another great piece of advice comes from my "Nanny". "You might as well laugh as cry". That is so true. No matter what happened in Nanny's life, she looked at the bright side and chose to laugh. She'd always say " it could be worse... I could be twins".

My Great Grandma, Granny Tinder, dealt with upsetting news in another way... If you gave her bad news, she'd say "Well, cat fur makes a pair of kitten britches". I have no idea what that means... but as I'd sit there trying to figure it out... it took my mind off the bad news at hand.

I love that I grew up around so many colorful characters. I don't guess any of them had more than a 7th or 8th grade education... things were different then. But the wisdom these people possessed far exceeds anything that can be taught in college.

Nanny could cook anything... no really, I mean anything. I remember one time Chuck, Donishia and I were sitting in Nanny & Papaws living room after dinner when we noticed Nanny was sitting at the table banging on something.

"What are you doing?" Donishia asked. ""I'm trying to break this squirrel skull to get the brain out." Nanny replied. Us kids were mortified! I think I may have actually nearly thrown up. In My mind, she was trying to eat "Rocky the Flying Squirrel's" brain! After that, I didn't eat too many meat items at her home unless I saw her pull it out of a package.

My grandpa Abb was probably just as bad... the only thing that was different is that at Abb and Alberta's, my cousin Sandy was there to "agg" me on.

Because Sandy dared me and said I wouldn't... I have eaten Venison, Snake and a soup that is best described as the mop water from a slaughterhouse all warmed up. I think it was actually called Son of a Bitch stew, but Alberta made Abb change the name to Son of a Gun stew for religious reasons.

Through all the crazy stories and even crazy meals... I was lucky to have had such a close relationship with both sets of grandparents.

They were survivors... Wars, the Depression... Heck, Alberta even survived Malaria when she was a child.

Their enduring spirit and refusal to give up was the best life lesson I could have ever learned.

The night that the lights went out in Waldron.

2009-05-01T22:01:00.002-05:00

Today's stormy weather reminded me of one of my FAVORITE memories of my Grandmother Alberta.

First, a little back story.

You have to understand that my Grandmother was one of the most faithful, church going people I have ever known. There is no question that she lived her life for Jesus and radiated an amazing light from her faith.

So this story takes place during a stormy day in 1977 or 78.

It had been a particularly stormy day in Waldron, Arkansas. I remember Alberta, my aunt Janet and uncle Billy took frequent trips to the front porch to monitor the approaching storm.

As it got closer, My brother Chuck, My sister Donishia and I huddled together on a couch that was lined along the center most wall in the house.

The wind kept blowing harder and harder and it seemed the sky was a constant bolt of lightning.

Chuck, Donishia and I had huddled so closely that I think we were all sitting on one single cushion... if we could have pushed ourselves into the lining of the couch, we most certainly would have.

Billy and Janet were at the back door watching the storm... And I guess Alberta decided she had to calm my brother, sister and me before we passed out from hyperventilating.

I can remember this next part so clearly that it seems it could have happened yesterday.

Alberta came into the living room and began telling us we shouldn't be scared.... This of course did nothing to calm us.

Then she began talking about bible verses... which I must say calmed us a little.

Her final sentence was " you don't need to worry, the Lord will protect you."

At the very instant that she finished that sentence... lightning struck the house next door... close enough that is caused the light bulb DIRECTLY above Alberta to shatter and rain down like fireworks!

Alberta went from her usual tall stature to a crumpled mass crawling toward the couch, patting her hair to make sure it wasn't on fire!

In UNISON, the three of us kids let out blood curdling screams!

Janet ran in to the living room to tell us it had hit Randy's house, for the life of me I can't remember his name.

Billy and Janet helped Randy and "Swanna" ( I think) get out of their house, and I seem to remember Janet crawling under the house to get kittens or puppies or something... I remember Alberta was more worried than impressed by Janet & Billy's Heroics.

What's so amazing is that I still get spooked by storms... but just as I'm about to get "worked up" I hear Alberta saying "you shouldn't worry, the Lord will protect you".... and that memory makes me smile. It was one of Alberta's favorites stories too!

I was so lucky to grow up in Small Town Arkansas with such amazing family members who made me who I am today! well... the GOOD parts. ;-p

Random Rainy Morning Thoughts

2009-05-01T09:39:00.002-05:00

I find that mornings like this seem to aggravate my ADD.

Without the mental diversion of being able to go outside, my mind FILLS with random thoughts.

like...

What happens if a Jewish or Islamic person gets Swine Flu? It's certainly not Kosher... If Osama Bin Laden came down with it, would he be branded an infidel? Maybe they don't even call it Swine Flu... Maybe it's Infidel Flu there?

or...

If we can create a rabies vaccine for dogs, why can't we do it for humans? Wouldn't it be so much easier to get one shot a year to avoid the possibility of a series of painful shots? Imagine the freedom if we all had rabies vaccinations.... We could walk up to stray dogs without fear... There would be no need to run away screaming when you found a possum or raccoon in your trash... you could just pick it up and say something like "bite me all you want you little bastard just stay out of my trash!". Not to mention, we'd all get a new piece of jewelry each year! That's what I tell my dogs their tags are... jewelry. I don't like for them to feel like they're "tagged" like a cow. Plus, since they think it's jewelry.. I think they take care of it more.

On that note... why do we talk to ALL animals? Does it help for us to yell "GET OUT OF HERE!!!!" to a snake? Are we expecting it to respond? We would fall over if the snake said "SSSSoooo SSSSoooorrry I didn't sssseeee a sssssign" ... that's how they'd have to talk because of their tongues.... but it would be rude to make fun of them because of their lisps.

And...

I grew up eating "Polk Salet".... but WHO determined that it was POISON until it was boiled twice? Were our ancestors just sitting around the campfire saying after eating it when someone said "Well, Betty and Carl died.... I wonder if that Polk Salet was poison?" Then, as they reheated it to make test it... they were like... "No... it tastes alright to me!" Then, some forward thinker said... "You know what? Every time Ruby makes that stuff, people die! But when Brenda reheats it, we're all fine.... Either Ruby is trying to kill all of us, or we should Blanche it... Drain it... and then boil it again!" By the way... I always give my characters "Waldron" names... it endears them to me.

It's Comin' Up a Cloud : by request

2009-04-30T16:03:00.002-05:00

These days, with all the modern marvels of science, it seems to be harder than ever to pinpoint a forecast.

I think that's because the big media groups are forgetting an integral part of their weather prediction arsenal... little old southern pentecostal women.

When I was a child, my brother, my sister and I would spend most of our time at the home of W.C. and Elsie Oval Chrisman... of course WE called them Nanny and Papaw.

We'd spend the days working in the garden and by night time we were too tired to turn on the TV... Even if Nanny had already pointed out the "bank of thunderheads" that were making it look "bad off to the west".

When Nanny noticed these bubbling clouds, it set forth a course of events.

Immediately we would be hurriedly shuffled through the showering process before lightning got close enough to "run in" on us.

While we were showering, Nanny would be in the Kitchen wrapping up some leftover cornbread, some crackers and a big ole hunk of government cheese. (That stuff is SOOOO good)

After we showered, it was off to bed. We always slept with the windows open at night so we could hear any "boogers" that might be lurking... and also because the window unit would "run up the bill"

Just as we had all drifted off to sleep, the curtains would start blowing in... then... that all too familiar flash.

Nanny would creep quietly into all of our rooms and round us up, telling us to whisper so we wouldn't wake Papaw up.

It NEVER failed that on our pitch black journey through the living room my brother, Charles, would kick the coffee table knocking the lid off Nanny's carnival glass candy dish.

"You get them kids back to bed!!! You're making them scared of storms!!!" Papaw would yell from the dark abyss... I assumed it was coming from his room.

Nanny would make us all stop and be quiet for a minute until he fell back asleep... then, the journey began.

We darted out the door and ran across some old boards that Nanny used to make a path across the garden to Granny Tinder's house... all the while, lightning was cracking all around us.

We'd pound on Granny Tinder's door without the slightest fear that we would wake them up... We knew she and Snooks, Nanny's Sister, would already be planning the relay to the storm cellar out back.

Once we got in, we'd line up at the back door to run as a group to the cellar. Then, the phone would ring. "Don't touch that phone, that phone draws lightening" Granny Tinder would say in her gravelly 80 year old voice. I always wondered who would possibly be calling at that time? It was common knowledge that NO ONE in that section of Waldron would go NEAR a phone when it was "coming up a cloud".

Granny, Nanny and Snooks would secure plastic produce bags over their pentecostal buns and around their shoes. Then we'd get Granny to her walker.

WHOOSH! The door flew open, and we were off! We all huddled around Granny as her walker bogged up in the mud.... we knew it would. She would usually abandon it near the old Sycamore tree and just lean on us and we shuffled her toward the cellar.

Nanny would run ahead and open the cellar door. Now I know many of you have been in storm cellars... but I can assure you THIS cellar was unique. It was built by Grandpa Tinder... and it was essentially a hill with a door.

We'd all rush down the stairs and wade through the ankle deep water.... Water that made the cellar "too snaky to play in" according to Nanny... but we didn't think about it as we were fleeing the apocalyptic storm that was baring down on us.

This cellar had old rock walls, a dirt floor (under the water) and boards lined up the edges, supported by cinder blocks to make benches.

Once we got situated, Nanny would light the old kerosene lamps that gave us light... I remember dreading it as that light got brighter... there were so many possible "creepy crawlies" lurking in there... I always expected to see the light reflecting off their red eyes.

One by one, the whole family would arrive to get in the cellar. Nanny would take out the snacks and hand them to us kids... and then the group prayer would start. Granny Tinder never quite understood storms... If we were in the cellar because of a storm in Waldron, Arkansas... she'd be praying for her grand kids in California... that they'd be safe from this terrible storm.

We generally would all stay in there until 15 minutes after the last clap of thunder.

Then we'd go back to Granny's House and fix up the beds so that Nanny, Charles, Donishia and I could stay there... because Papaw ALWAYS locked us out after we left.

Nanny would tell us some stories... "The little red hen"... " The 3 little puggly wugs"... and we'd drift off to sleep.

"rummmmbbbleee!" WAS THAT THUNDER? And the cycle starts again.

Things that keep me up at night.

2009-04-30T08:35:00.002-05:00

Still reeling from the high of last night's American Idol... I thought I'd take a break from Adam Bashing to talk about some other important things.

My mind has a tendency to go in several directions at once... I'm sure it's probably ADD or something. Usually, I can mask it throughout the daytime hours... but when night falls... all these thoughts and questions just race through my head.

like...

Do you think that when they first invented the freight train that the first people who heard it told their friends it sounded like a tornado?

On that same topic, when the first bomb was dropped... Did people who saw the site for the first time tell their friends it looked like a Hurricane blew hit the area?

When people say things like "she's ugly as the day is long"... What does that mean? Can you actually measure ugly in time? And what kind of day are we talking about? If they said that in December, she wouldn't be as ugly as she would be in say late June. Or maybe they're talking about an Arctic day... which can be 6 months long... I think we can all agree that 6 months is a whole lot of ugly.

I've also often heard people say things like "He's dumber than a box of rocks"... however, I have actually purchased a large amount of flagstone... and guess what, it was boxed! I mean, it was reinforced with wire and stuff... but there was cardboard that I had to remove. While it was very difficult to remove... I didn't necessarily think it was dumb. I mean, it held all the rocks together so they didn't break. In fact, NOT boxing them would have been dumb.

I wonder how these sayings become part of the English language?

Who WAS the first person who held up their hand and said "talk to the hand" ? And is that the saying in it's purest form? For the sake of the argument lets all assume it actually WAS a drag queen who coined that phrase, as likely it was. Did she try several other versions of that before we got the gem that is "talk to the hand"? Maybe she was on stage and someone started heckling her... so she held up her hand and said "Stop Talking... see the hand?" Then, as she was driving home in her '85 Oldsmobile Regency 98, she recanted the whole event... reenacting it as she drove. " I should have said I'm not listening miss thing, keep on talking to the hand". Then... one of the light bulbs in her beehive wig went on (because she actually didn't turn the battery powered lights woven into her wig off) and she was like "THAT'S IT! TALK TO THE HAND!!!"

And the rest is history.

Ask me about my smile!

2009-04-29T23:27:00.002-05:00

OK. Last night's Idol was TRULY great TV.

Let me set the scene. I was recording it so I could watch it later and zip through all the commercials... then, I got the first text from my friend Sandy.

"Don't get too excited Matt is going home." she said. First, I was like "D'OH! Why did I check my text before watching the show? It can't be unseen... IT CAN'T BE UNSEEN!" Then I started analyzing the text. Excited? Why would I be excited? Then, it hit me... I had to stop watching "Little People Big World" mid episode and watch Idol.

When it got to that DELICIOUS moment when Ryan asked that cocky pumped up showgirl which group he should be a part of... THAT showed me what he truly thought of himself.

Then, when Ryan MOVED him to the bottom 3... I teared up a little as my face muscles formed the first true smile I've had in weeks!

Watching the judges as they nearly went into a panic was delightful! But then Randy made that dirty innuendo when Kara said her mouth is always open when it comes to Adam.... Way to take the heat of yourself Jackson... YOU'RE the one who "happened" to "have dinner" at the "same place" as "Adam". (allegedly). By the way, did you notice how Kara stormed off at the end of the show? I would guess heated words and stern glances were exchanged.

Just when I thought this dream couldn't get better.... Kris was REMOVED from the bottom 3. I actually screamed "YESSSSSSSS!". Kind of freaked out the dogs.

Alas, the dream had to come to an end... and Adam is safe for another week, which conveniently is rocker week! ( Could the producers hide their love affair with Adam a little bit better?)

Granted, I am fully aware Adam will likely win. I just wanted someone to give him a reality check... He is NOT Elvis... and he's not Liza Minnelli! I can't be sure WHO or WHAT he is trying to be...but it leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. (Don't go there Randy Jackson)

In the Beginning

2009-04-29T12:21:00.002-05:00

Well, now that technology has advanced to such a level that people really needn't talk in person... and in the interest of protecting folks from the dangers of swine flu, I have finally created a blog.

I know that this medium is "sooooo 2003", but I kind of like it. I mean, I have so many random thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis that this will serve as a free form of therapy for me.

Before I get started there are some ground rules. I type things as I would say them. There's liable to be all sorts of grammatical and spelling errors on here... just deal with it.

This blog thing got me thinking about technology and what not. I can still remember the days of "party lines"... no... not the 900 number variety you see advertised on late night TV amidst the Jerry Springer show and ads for Girls Gone Wild (really... where are these girls' parents?). I mean the old fashioned party lines, where several homeowners shared a phone line.

I remember when I was 6 or so, we would pick up my Nanny's phone and listen to the other old women in the neighborhood gossip... They'd hear us and start cussing at us but they always accused us of being someone named Harlen. I have NO idea who Harlen was, but I bet he never understood why so many old women from Waldron, Arkansas were being so mean to him.

Now days, we have things like Facebook and Twitter. The people who invented these seemingly simple services are rolling in money now. That got me thinking. I would like to meld the new with the old. Maybe bring the phone back into play.

OK, so you know how Twitter is like a really short line to tell people what you're doing? I'm going to start a new service where you can dial all your friend's numbers at one time... sort of an updated party line. But here's the catch... the call can only last like 15 seconds... I mean, people are busy.... so you just have time to quickly shout something like "I'M WALKING THE DOG!!!' or "IT'S NOT MY BABY!!!" ... you know, simple things really. Then the phone cuts off. I'm thinking of calling it Phwitter or maybe Twone Call.... it's still a work in progress but you get the idea.

I guess I just miss the days of actual human interaction. When people would get dressed up and drive over to spend the afternoon with family. There would always be a tray of cookies or maybe a nice bundt cake... and a percolator full of coffee, which would be served in brightly colored melamine cups.

Now days, if family shows up at your door your more likely to be like "crap, is the garage door up or down?" Do they know I'm here? I'll just be really quiet until they leave." Then, once they're gone... you slap yourself when you realize you could have saved the postage on that Mother's Day card if you'd just have handed it to your mom before she drove off.

Maybe I'm just projecting on that last one... but my point is that Technology should be used to IMPROVE our connections... not replace them.